Dear Philadelphia Inquirer*,
I was so very gladdened in the abattoir of my heart to hear that torture advocate John Yoo is gracing your pages with his wit, reason and legal acumen. Perhaps he can take his considerable cognitive skills and advise readers as to when a mere reprimand of an insolent waitress can morph into a physical beating, or just how far to twist the nipples of an obnoxious crossing guard. The list is surely endless, and should provide reams of fodder for the keen mind of Mr. Yoo. Maybe you could have his picture alongside his words, perhaps a striking portrait of him wearing a hockey mask just to set the mood? I'll leave that up to you folks--after all, you're the professionals!
But why stop there when you have a theme just crying out for more thorough coverage? I think it would be worth it to devote many sections of your newspaper to like-minded idealists, thereby dovetailing the disparate features and news stories you cover on any given day and giving the whole enchilada a little spice. Perhaps Hannibal Lector could dish out some recipes for the Food Section, Vlad the Impaler could provide ideas for staking out that special backyard garden, and John Wayne Gacy could answer questions ranging from child psychology and clown costuming to how to build a truly scary basement for Halloween!
Though the individuals mentioned above are either dead or fictitious I don't think your subscribers would find their appearance in your paper to be objectionable. I mean, come on, you've hired someone to write a column whose legal opinions helped our previous administration to violate the Geneva Convention and our own laws against torture, not to mention violating universal tenets of morality, decency and basic human rights. The piece de resistance to Yoo's opinions is that the use of such torture was probably invoked to gain false information, to help buttress the case for going to war against a country that had not attacked us! I'm sure your editorial staff now looks in the mirror with just a little extra gleam in their eyes, a little more arch in their eyebrows and just a tad more goose in their steps!
Thank you for your time! Let me know if you have any trouble sleeping at night: I hear tell Freddy Krueger has a whole laundry list of ideas that can help fend off bad dreams!
(Holy moly, I gave them my real name!)
Idea for this letter came from Digby's Hullabaloo--she is of the opinion that the Philadelphia Inquirer might be a good place to send your words concerning torture, especially in concern of a certain Mr. John Yoo.
Note from mjs: I don't write letters much, but felt the Holy Spirit within me and just wanted to share.