Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, June 01, 2009

Village People Cop Declares Heterosexuality

Victor Willis
Former Village People Cop

Rep. Patrick McHenry
United States Congress
Charlie Crist
Candidate, US Senate

Dear Mr. Willis,

Thank you for finally coming out of the closet and declaring your heterosexuality. I've always discounted the rumors that the Village People were homosexuals. I mean, just look at you; a cop, a cowboy, a construction worker, and Indian chief, a sailor, and a guy who looks like Joseph Farrah and likes to wear leather--you can't get more heterosexual than that.

I'm also very relieved to hear you've cleared-up all the confusion about that YMCA song you wrote. I don't know how anyone could hear that and come away thinking that it was anything but a song about hangin' out with a bunch of straight guys at the gym. I mean, how else could lyrics like this be interpreted:
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

They have everything that you need to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys
This hetero thing seems to be giving your career a bit of a boost, and I'm wondering if you could use your revitalized celebrity to to help others. Specifically , I'm thinking about helping conservative leaders who've been erroneously outed as being the gay--you know, guys like Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, and Bob Allen who like to celebrate their heterosexuality by slurping on some random guy's todger every now and then. We all know there's nothing wrong with that as long as you pass a few anti-the-gay bills while they're at it.

So anyway, I was thinking you could do a fundraiser for one of these guys, maybe Charlie Crist, at a place like the YMCA but much more political--Rep. Patrick McHenry's Hostel for Young, Strapping, Republican Lads would be the perfect place.

What do you think? Can you get up for it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Hey, what a great opportunity for "A Fun Raiser!" The GOP's New Contact(sic) With America!

    I think it was PNISAC who performed random testing on new wannabe recruits: they blindfolded 100 men and then raped them like barnyard hens for a fortnight. The results of the subsequent questionnaires (filled out by the those poor, poor men) are said to be in "a permanent submissive state" (probably North Carolina but it could be South by sunrise).

    Were it not for pandemic anal seepage the South would most definitely rise again!


  2. I swear the Farah-esque one on the right was the model for Mr Slave. I wonder if Farah ever met Lemmiwinks?

  3. I've always been suspect of the connection between Gays, Conservatives and moustaches. It seems that only homosexuals and gun toting authoritarians tend to wear them.


  4. Sir,

    I've always said that if those men are gay, then we are all gay! 'Bout time we all got clear of this persistent ugly rumor to the contrary.

  5. I'm glad to know these fine, manly singers were not infested with teh sodomitery. Unfortunately, not everyone got the massage.

    In the 1970s, while traveling across the country via Greyhound bus as a young man, I was worried that I might be pestered as I slept by the Q-ey ones. Acting on the recommendations of that song, I checked into several YMCAs. (I'm a Christian, after all.) I had the MOST unusual experiences with young men there which were not of a strictly 11 Manlyscale Heterosexual nature. I would relate the nature of these things, but it might be disturbing to sensitive readers. And I still have mixed feelings about them.

    Especially after I went back for the second, third and fourth nights...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.