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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Did Jesus Walk Like an Egyptian?

Alan Keyes
Teabagger-American Leader

Dear Amb. Keyes,

I hate Obama as much as the next Teabagger-American, but I was a little surprised to hear that you had endorsed the Birther's claims about his birth certificate. It sounded a little crazy to me, and I wondered why you'd waste your time on that when you could be helping Michele Bachmann uncover Lizardgate--the takeover of FEMA by reptillian aliens and their sasquatch biological androids.

But then I did a little research on the Birthers' claims and investigative methods and was very impressed with what I found--so impressed, I decided to test those methods out myself.

The resulting investigation turned my world upside down.

You see, I thought I'd start out on someone I thought I knew better than I knew anyone else. That person is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

The first thing I learned was that no one has ever produced His birth certificate. Sure, they say He was born in Bethlehem, but He's never identified as a Bethlehemian after that. He's always called Jesus of Nazareth or Jesus of Galilee.

Well, which is it: Galilee or Nazareth or Bethlehem? It's as if the writers of the Gospels were intentionally trying to hide his birthplace? But why? Could he actually be Egyptian? We know he spent time there as a child. The authors of the Gospel would want to hide that because the Messiah was supposed to be born in Israel.

And then there's His name: Jesus H. Christ. That's Greek. Just the kind of name you'd expect to find in Ptolemic Egypt.

That, in itself, should be enough to raise serious questions about His divinity, but there is more. My research leads me to wonder if He was even a Christian.

We don't know much about Jesus' childhood--only that after living in Egypt he pops up a yeshiva and argues with the rabbis about the Torah. That could mean he's Jewish, but not necessarily so. He could have just been one of those Independent Baptist preachers like Pastor Anderson. They're always telling the Jews that they're going to Hell.

Later, Jesus throws the moneychangers out of the temple. That doesn't sound very Christian to me. I can't see Dr. Dobson or Rev. Robertson or even you doing that. Hell no, Christians would be the ones at the money tables.

Finally, there's that sign on His cross that said he was the "King of the Jews." Romans put it up there. I'd think that'd make it an official government document. Of course being Romans, they were Catholic, so maybe the Pope made them do it.

Taken as a whole, though, I think it's safe to say that Jesus was a Jew and therefore couldn't be the Son of our Christian God. At least that's where the Birther method leads me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Jesus wasn't even part of the Greatest Generation. He's like Ted Williams: great talent, but his team never won it all. Pity, that.

    Being that the Christ has been flying through space for 2,000 years He probably has an Earth Certificate for when he goes to other galaxies and stuff, which would be totally cool.


  2. That would be too cool, I want one. Who would be handling that, the WHO?

  3. Don't get too familiar there buddy boy! It's Jesus Hussein Christ to you!

  4. I feel sorry for Keyes. Doesn't he know that Jesus said that the Kingdom of God (not the horrible movie by the same name) would come within the lifetimes of some of the people listening to him?

  5. General, Sir:

    That's why I loves me some Jesus General. I never knowed that the Romans was Cath-O-Licks. It explains a lot.

  6. General SIr,

    If Jesus was born in Bethlehem or Nazareth (never could figure that one out) doesn't that make him a Palestinian?

    It leads me to suspect that he's not Jewish or Christian but, ya' know, one of those other kind.

  7. General, Sir:
    All that stuff Jesus said about "I was hungry and you did not feed me, thirsty and you did not give me a drink, naked and you did not clothe me,wah, wah, wah" etc is so much librul socialist twaddle. Every Reichwing X-stian knows what Jesus really meant when he said those words: Fuck you, motherfucker. You're on your own. Get a job.
    I mean, would there even be a Calvin College if Calvin wasn't right about The Elect? (And not Calvin of "Calvin and Hobbs" neither.) I think not, sir.

  8. Sir,
    I really think we're splitting hairs here, we have always seen Mr.Christ depicted as tall, fully bearded and swarthy.And a Capricorn.

  9. Tall, fully bearded and swarthy"- takes after his Mum, eh?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.