Did Jesus Walk Like an Egyptian?

Alan Keyes
Teabagger-American Leader

Dear Amb. Keyes,

I hate Obama as much as the next Teabagger-American, but I was a little surprised to hear that you had endorsed the Birther's claims about his birth certificate. It sounded a little crazy to me, and I wondered why you'd waste your time on that when you could be helping Michele Bachmann uncover Lizardgate--the takeover of FEMA by reptillian aliens and their sasquatch biological androids.

But then I did a little research on the Birthers' claims and investigative methods and was very impressed with what I found--so impressed, I decided to test those methods out myself.

The resulting investigation turned my world upside down.

You see, I thought I'd start out on someone I thought I knew better than I knew anyone else. That person is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

The first thing I learned was that no one has ever produced His birth certificate. Sure, they say He was born in Bethlehem, but He's never identified as a Bethlehemian after that. He's always called Jesus of Nazareth or Jesus of Galilee.

Well, which is it: Galilee or Nazareth or Bethlehem? It's as if the writers of the Gospels were intentionally trying to hide his birthplace? But why? Could he actually be Egyptian? We know he spent time there as a child. The authors of the Gospel would want to hide that because the Messiah was supposed to be born in Israel.

And then there's His name: Jesus H. Christ. That's Greek. Just the kind of name you'd expect to find in Ptolemic Egypt.

That, in itself, should be enough to raise serious questions about His divinity, but there is more. My research leads me to wonder if He was even a Christian.

We don't know much about Jesus' childhood--only that after living in Egypt he pops up a yeshiva and argues with the rabbis about the Torah. That could mean he's Jewish, but not necessarily so. He could have just been one of those Independent Baptist preachers like Pastor Anderson. They're always telling the Jews that they're going to Hell.

Later, Jesus throws the moneychangers out of the temple. That doesn't sound very Christian to me. I can't see Dr. Dobson or Rev. Robertson or even you doing that. Hell no, Christians would be the ones at the money tables.

Finally, there's that sign on His cross that said he was the "King of the Jews." Romans put it up there. I'd think that'd make it an official government document. Of course being Romans, they were Catholic, so maybe the Pope made them do it.

Taken as a whole, though, I think it's safe to say that Jesus was a Jew and therefore couldn't be the Son of our Christian God. At least that's where the Birther method leads me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot