The Opinion President Barack Hussein Obama exists in time and space has died of complications arising from an overdose of indistinctia errata americana, a disease that has never been proven to exist, largely because it would be a violation of its basic foundation to prove anything at all. If something could be proven then nothing would be gained, thus leading to the ascension and ultimate primacy of absence and the destruction of the material world, which would have to go back into some sort of non-dimensional dialectic closet, as it were, which it couldn't because it simply wasn't.
Services for the Opinion will not be held, and if they were held nobody could prove that they were going to be held, were being held, or had been held, so don't even bother. Pallbearers, who will not actually carry anything, and would deny carrying something anyway, and couldn't prove if they carried or didn't carry (such are the elusive qualities of language and whiskey) anything which was or wasn't deceased--anyway, pallbearers probably will or will not include Lou Dobbs (who cannot prove he is not the Canadian Bacon love child of Porky Pig and Leona Helmsley), the ghost of Samuel Beckett, Tom Stoppard (who will stop at nothing and then start again), General JC Christian, Harold Pinter and the Purple Crayon and The Long Black Coat of Bill Hicks.
In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion are asking the public to imagine what it is like to be unable to prove you have lost that which another claims never existed. It's hard, darn it. Very hard on the soul, which must exist because we have not one iota of evidence on the subject, and who could say otherwise, and how would we know--really, really know--that a "who" said "otherwise."
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The Opinuary column appears, or doesn't appear, or appears to either appear or not appear on Friday afternoons at Jesus' General but you couldn't prove it by me.
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