President & Chief Executive Officer
Salt Lake Convention & Visitors Bureau
President Thomas S. Monson
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Dear Presidents Beck and Monson
We all knew it had to happen sooner or later. Heck, I'm actually surprised it took this long for the Church to revise its promise not to clamp down on unapproved speech on the block of prime real estate the city gave the Church for a song. But now it's happened. The Church Security Apparatus roughed up and arrested a pair of love criminals for the offense of holding hands and cheek pecking.
So where does it go from here? The gay and their allies have already held one kiss-in. No doubt there will be many others in the future. How are you going to stop them, water hoses and attack dogs? That ain't going to help tourism.
Let's all take a deep breath and try to look at it objectively. It's a problem of geography, really. The Church's pedestrian mall, the Main Street Plaza, is roughly sandwiched between the Avenues and the Gallivan Center. Think about that for a minute. It's a recipe for disaster.
The Gallivan center is a kind of artsy place with outdoor concerts, art shows, theater etc--just the types of things that attract the gay. The Avenues is a part of the city where Bob and Steve or Molly and Patty can find a grand old house to fix up and decorate. It's like a magnet for the gay. And then there's Temple Square and Main Street Plaza serving as a kind of the gay freeway between the two.
You're not going to change that without moving the Gallivan Center or the Avenues, and let's be realistic, that ain't going to happen. So maybe it would be better to turn the whole thing to your advantage.
President Kimball, let's be frank. Asking 19 and 20 year old men to forsake women and pair up and live in far away places to serve on missions is perhaps not the best way encourage heterosexuality. I mean, hey, is there anyone hornier than a 20 year old guy? You deny him the companionship of ladies and lock him in a room with another young guy and you're just asking them to slip each other the ol' urim and thummim.
Wouldn't it be great if you could test them before you sent them into the mission field? Well, Main Street Plaza is the perfect place to do just that. Think about it. Homosexuality's siren song is strong. They have that homomojo thing they do with their manly bulges that's nearly impossible to resist. That's why you've poured millions into the fight against the gay marriage. Why not test your prospective missionaries by having them line up on both sides of Main Street Plaza to observe the migration of the gay between the Gallivan Center and the Avenues. You're bound to find a few of the weaker ones succumbing to the siren song and attempting to do "the beast with two backs" right there with one of the pedestrians. Then it's just a matter of hauling him off to BYU for a little aversion therapy.
And Mr. Beck, I hope you're seeing the tourism possibilities here. This could become a huge attraction. Set up a few loudspeakers playing a driving techno beat as Orson Scott Card does a dramatic reading from his "call to war against marriage equality" and you've got one heck of a recurring event. All it needs is a great name.
I'm thinking, "The Running of the Gays."
What do you think?
Gen. JC Christian, patriot