From my hometown paper:
PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent
Jeannette Poulsen spent three days with some of her lady friends in Tooele last week teaching and learning from each other the ins and outs of beading. They all had a great time. Orson stayed home to do work around the farm and various chores around the house.
Kaye Draper’s apartment complex had a barb-que lunch on Saturday. The apartment association provided the buns, hotdogs and hamburgers, and the attendees provided potluck items. Kaye has also been doing fast walking in the halls of her building at night.
Pam and Emily Wilson enjoyed driving to Ogden last week to do some out-of-town shopping. They like to choose areas where there are a variety of shopping venues.
Winnie Richman attended granddaughter Marriah Richman’s piano lesson on Tuesday. On Wednesday Winnie farmed and chased down parts for Clynn’s equipment.
On Saturday, Clynn’s nephew, Cody Richman, came out and killed three small raccoons that had been wreaking havoc in the grainery of the Double S Bar.
I bet it wasn't raccoons that were eating the grain -- IT WAS OBAMA! Or agents from a socialist government program.
ReplyDeleteThey are behind everything that is bad, and they can transmogrify their physical forms to appear in the guise of all sorts of animals, plants and minerals. The Obama socialist government wants to kill you! Don't ask me why. It doesn't make any sense. But that's just what they do!
OBAMA ATE MY GRAIN!!!!!
I bet you won't see any sodomite wedding advertisements in your hometown paper. Nope, not even if they pay for it. Times may be hard in the economy (it's Obama's fault) but we still don't want your stinking gay money...
I've always wondered what the ceremony for 'coming out' was. I guess in Australia the ghey probably kill possums.
ReplyDeleteGeneral: I had the privilege of asking you a question at the Second Life panel. Please accept my sincere thanks for your lifetime of service.
ReplyDeleteHeterosexually hers,
Matt Osborne
It reads like a facebook wall.
ReplyDeleteSir: Why is Kaye "fast walking" in the halls at night? Is that a Utah thing?
ReplyDeleteMOJoe: "fast walking" is a sign of trementonicom jaypedistruti exactus, a pacing disorder which for centuries had been confined to squirrels, hamsters and people with bladder disorders. Believed to have been spread by humans who enjoyed rubbing their thighs together in public, it resulted in a number of mall closings in Utah in the early 90s. Relegated to small apartment buildings, trementonicom exactus continues to haunt various towns and cities of the Beehive State, often resulting in a peculiar chafing known by the locals as Brigham's Purr, a condition refuted by officials in the Mormon church.
ReplyDeleteBonus Fact: Mormons are totally gay.
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I guess in Australia the ghey probably kill possums.
ReplyDeleteNo, Brother Bastardfish, it's in New Zedland that they kill possums. I think they eat them there, too.
Here they're a protected species, and they eat EVERYTHING, which is why we have to bring our basil indoors every night. No, not Baasil the sheep. You probably know what Kiwis do to the sheep.
(Warning -- link contains image of scantily-clad women in fur! Not safe for work, if you're employed by PETA.)
Compulsive nanoscenarist that I am, I held off offering my version of this weeks news from The Leader in order to give democommie his chance to mind-woggle the story. I can wait no longer...
ReplyDelete++++
PROMONTORY POINTERS (rewrite #1, Horn Dog edition)
Jeannette Poulsen spent three days with some of her lady friends in Tooele last week teaching and learning from each other the ins and outs of beading. They all had a great time. By all accounts their passionate screams of orgasmic pleasure could be heard as far away as the Canadian border. Orson stayed home to do work around the farm and various chores around the house. Orson likes to dress up like Marlene Dietrich and bake kugelschnicken in his cavernous Easy Bake Oven.
Kaye Draper’s apartment complex had a barb-que lunch on Saturday: bbq sauce ended up on everything (and I do mean everything!). The apartment association provided the buns, hotdogs and hamburgers, and the attendees provided potluck items, and then everybody fucked each other. Kaye has also been doing fast walking in the halls of her building at night. Kaye reeks of absinthe and fragrant oils, and has announced that she no longer accepts Discover Card.
Pam and Emily Wilson enjoyed driving to Ogden last week to do some out-of-town shopping. They like to choose areas where there are a variety of shopping venues. That's what they say, anyway. Personally, their road pornos are of poor quality, and always end up with the windshield being kicked out by the same stiletto heel. Predictable, overwrought and poorly lit, their lame little movies consistently fail to get a rise out of yours truly.
Winnie Richman attended granddaughter Marriah Richman’s piano lesson on Tuesday--a word to the wise: never pole dance on a rickety baby grand (Marriah regrets the whole sad affair). On Wednesday Winnie farmed and chased down parts for Clynn’s equipment. When Winnie chases down parts, get out of her way. Seriously. She loves Clynn and will do just about anything to make his equipment work.
On Saturday, Clynn’s nephew, Cody Richman, came out and killed three small raccoons that had been wreaking havoc in the grainery of the Double S Bar. Somebody ought to get that boy laid and soon, before he starts taking down larger quarry. You read it here first.
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Mr. mjs, Sir:
ReplyDeleteThank you for allowing me the opportunity to turn the Tremonton Triva Announcer into something that would make a NY Daily News editor blush like a senator caught with a dead wallaby in his lap, while he was wearing a snorkel mask and a wetsuit top. The truth I've been busy trying to limit the damage caused by my Inner frog, Chuck, when he wrote that friggin' screed about our hardworking congress critters.