Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Friday, August 14, 2009

Real Americans Bend their perps over a donkey

Judge Fanon Rucker
Hamilton County Municipal Court

Dear Judge Rucker,

I have mixed feelings about your Humiliation Sentencing Project. Like most real Americans, public humiliation is second only to torture on my list of favorite vicarious thrills, but I'm not sure your method is particularly effective--not that effectiveness is ever really a factor when it comes to enjoyment that comes shaming and hurting our lessers, but without it, you might as well step it up and tase the perp.

Think about it. You've given three cop evaders a choice between jail or wearing a sign saying "I ran from the police." Of course they're going to pick the sign. It's relatively quick, painless, and not all that humiliating. Heck, if the guilty parties are even tiniest bit swarthily complected, there's no humiliation at all. Running is a smart move if the alternative is getting beaten and tased for the crime of being too obamaish.

That said, I think your public paddling idea has a lot more promise, because it combines both pain and humiliation. And your plan to have "some ex-fraternity guy" do the paddling is pure genius. I'll tell you, those guys know how to paddle.

You'll want it to be a big event to enhance its value as a deterrent. Think about getting celebrity fratboy paddlers. George Will, Dana Millbank, or Jeff Sessions would be great, but George W Bush might do in a pinch if he hasn't had one too many bottles of Ny-Quil.

Think about putting your paddlers in studded black leather. There's just something about that look that makes a good paddling even more exciting. And if you really want to ratchet it all the way up, bend the perp over the back of a donkey and paddle his bare ass with a spatula.

Oh man, just thinking about it has me all tingly.

Heterosexualy yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. What about corporeal punishment for wimmens? The thought of public paddling on them gets me tingly too.

    The justice system could even be turned into a profit centre by charging admission. Or better yet, having godly Christian men pay to take a whack. With their bare hands...

    Of course, it's not so enticing if the women are fatties. But they wouldn't be running from the police, would they?

    And if the men were fatties, I say tie them up in public and let everybody jeer at how small their wing-wangs look in comparison to their blubby-wubby overhang!

    Wow, this is exciting, the possibilities for American law and ordnung. I haven't heard anything this good since about January 2004 in Lynndie England's cellblock in the Babylon Oil Colony.

  3. Bukko, It's been a profit center for a long time. They're just looking for ways to make it more entertaining/palatable. The judicial branch has become a burden that society can ill afford, they are completely unwilling to police themselves or be policed and have become so powerful and out of control that they even appoint our president, unchallenged.

  4. P.S. Did I forget to mention corrupt? So corrupt that they would sooner execute an innocent man than admit they made a mistake. God forbid, the public should lose faith in the sorry bastards.

  5. Knowdoubt, I know without a doubt what you mean about those innocent murderers. In my younger years as a newspaper reporter, I covered such a case where a guy was falsely convicted of poisoning his seven children to death and almost electrocuted. (The babysitter actually did it.)

    Of course, this was in my naive and idealistic youth, before I became an embittered Christian soldier in the service of a vengeful God. Now I can only approve of such travesties of justice, because if people start thinking the judicial system can make mistakes, what's next -- doubting the Almighty Father's wisdom when He sends earthquakes and tidal waves to punish the brown and yellow people? As if!

    P.S. This judge Fannon Rucker -- shouldn't his name be changed to "Fanny Wrecker"? (of course, "fanny" has a different meaning in Australian slang, heh-heh...)

  6. Forty-one shots and we’ll take that ride
    Cross this bloody river, to the other side …

    Oh, I’m sorry. You were saying something about the crime of being too obamaish?

  7. General, Sir:

    I read your post (and then I had to leave for a bit).

    Then, when I was all "freshened up" and had smoked one of my IF's (You know Chuck, right?--he goes by "Charles {only it's pronounced "Shaaaaaaaaaarlzzzzzzzz"}). Well anyway, I read Bukko's comment--and, AGAIN, I was, umm, "called away".

    Well, fortunately, I made it this far. But I had been away so long that I had forgotten what the original post was about, so I went back and re-read it and, dammit, you'll have to excuse me, Sir.

  8. General! I think this nice gentleman would appreciate receiveing some words of support from a fellow conserviturd:

  9. Those in question deserve to punished. For not being able to outrun a fat assed pastry muncher.

  10. Bukko, you're lucky you didn't get deleted for that. I can only hope the resident "commie" missed that.

    I remained "naive and idealistic" for far too long before finally being dispelled of the myths and illusions I had spent most of my life believing, God it was painful. Now I am operating under no doubts or illusions concerning the reality of many of this country's founding principles and ideals all of which appear to have been hijacked by greed and corruption with which we seem to have been well blessed with.

  11. Now I am operating under no doubts or illusions concerning the reality of many of this country's founding principles and ideals all of which appear to have been hijacked by greed and corruption with which we seem to have been well blessed with.

    Well of course, son! That's why the obedient sonderkommandos of the Glorious Christian Conservative Cultural Revolution follow the motto of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And lick their jackboots as they stamp on your face, forever and ever. Hey -- they might have stepped in some peanut butter somewhere along the line! Although this stuff tastes more like dog poo..."

  12. Well, at least we can take comfort in the fact that it is a blessed greed and corruption, not like the other kind in those pagan nations that don't enjoy all the benefits of being a Christian nation under God. Our "saved" greedy and corrupt bastards all go to heaven, maybe they don't get the virgins there, but they can have them here. That's quite an advantage in any language. God bless the USA and screw the rest, that's how it's supposed to work, isn't it? You can't tell me God didn't intend it that way or he wouldn't have put us on top, right?

  13. Brother Knowdoubt:

    You are quite correct about the virgins, but for some reason they are afraid they won't get the "houris" that those blasted islamoheathens are promised so they want to be sure of their vic-, er, I mean, "prayer partners" here. So, they go for em, well before puberty--great tactic, that. What I'm still trying to work out is why it's boys instead of girls.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.