Judge Fanon Rucker
Hamilton County Municipal Court
Dear Judge Rucker,
I have mixed feelings about your Humiliation Sentencing Project. Like most real Americans, public humiliation is second only to torture on my list of favorite vicarious thrills, but I'm not sure your method is particularly effective--not that effectiveness is ever really a factor when it comes to enjoyment that comes shaming and hurting our lessers, but without it, you might as well step it up and tase the perp.
Think about it. You've given three cop evaders a choice between jail or wearing a sign saying "I ran from the police." Of course they're going to pick the sign. It's relatively quick, painless, and not all that humiliating. Heck, if the guilty parties are even tiniest bit swarthily complected, there's no humiliation at all. Running is a smart move if the alternative is getting beaten and tased for the crime of being too obamaish.
That said, I think your public paddling idea has a lot more promise, because it combines both pain and humiliation. And your plan to have "some ex-fraternity guy" do the paddling is pure genius. I'll tell you, those guys know how to paddle.
You'll want it to be a big event to enhance its value as a deterrent. Think about getting celebrity fratboy paddlers. George Will, Dana Millbank, or Jeff Sessions would be great, but George W Bush might do in a pinch if he hasn't had one too many bottles of Ny-Quil.
Think about putting your paddlers in studded black leather. There's just something about that look that makes a good paddling even more exciting. And if you really want to ratchet it all the way up, bend the perp over the back of a donkey and paddle his bare ass with a spatula.
Oh man, just thinking about it has me all tingly.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot