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Friday, August 14, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Discussing end-of-life issues is a reasonable approach to an ineluctable reality" has died from Cultural Asphyxiation. Attempts to resuscitate the deceased were shouted down by standers-by who totally got off on its very public demise.

The Opinion, born during the age of Socrates, leaves no descendants who are even remotely considering issuing a statement, for fear of being trampled to death by a herd of bewildered elderly citizens. Standing resolutely atop the Opinion's coffin is Americonned's Queen of the Daft, the great Fearmonger Priestess Sarah Palin, who was in favor of end-of-life directives before she was against them. Using only a Bowie knife, helicopter gunships and cable news outlets as her weapons, Ms. Palin high-kicked her way across the treacherous tundra as she tracked down and single-handedly killed the subversive idea that citizens might benefit from having access to information pertinent to issues they face in their senior years (principally regarding the nagging fact that none of us are immortal). Having scalped the freshly slaughtered Opinion, Ms. Palin slapped her own ass and screeched "Take that, Letterman!" before vanishing into an Ice Cave somewhere in the Great White North.

As with Abstinence Only approaches to contraception so too the "Zip it, Granny" approach to Living Wills, Advanced Directives and DNRs. Fact: to speak rationally about sex means that you will soon be copulating with everything in sight, probably mid-sentence, starting with the furniture and ending with the food processor. Similarly, the mere act of discussing end-of-life issues can only end in a government-mandated bloodbath, the lifeless corpses of Grandpa and Grandma awash in socialist sangria serving as silent witness. Grand Guignol for the Senior Set, this French assault on our values brings another meaning entirely to American Gothic (horror!).

In lieu of donations the family of the Opinion has asked that we all go fuck ourselves.


The Opinuary Column appears every Friday afternoon at Jesus' General.



  1. Do old Republicans actually die? I figured they were so scared of the possibility that the athiests are right that they've found a way to just perpetuate perpetually.

  2. Well that would explain Henry Kissinger. That, or he's a demon from Hades. They're always undead. Like Cheney.

  3. Well mjs, this idea of reminding me of my mortality is not something I really appreciate. I spend not an inconsiderable effort at trying to forget this not so pleasant fact. This is really a kind of bummer and downer that nobody really needs to be reminded of. I refuse to do living wills, wills, etc., because as a Christian I realize that would be taunting God and quite possibly encouraging "the taking" before I'm really ready. I'm a good Christian so I know he wouldn't take me before I did these necessary things and in the meantime I'm, as most God fearing people ought to be, grateful for our leaders keeping this kind of negative stuff out of our face. We should all be more appreciative of Sarah's struggle against the dark side. These kind of self fulfilling prophecies are best avoided and there really should be a lot more gratitude expressed to the compassionate party willing to keep this kind of negative stuff out of our face. You should pray about this. I'm not even going to get into this, "speak rationally about sex" stuff cause we all know where that leads... and that would be more of what we all know to be a bad thing, unless, of course, you're doing God's work making more Christian babies. If it ain't work you shouldn't be doing it, that's one of the big things wrong with this country too much free time, I'm not even going there. Respectfully submitted,

  4. Mr, mjs, Sir:

    I think you done just the right thing here. End of life directive? Yeah, here's my end of life directive; all you heathenistic mofo's, "Eat dirt and go to hell, sinboy!". Same thing for them Do Not Reanimate orders, the hell with them. If The DorkLordCheney wants to subsist on fresh baby hearts and infantahemolattes, so be it! Farthermore, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

  5. Excuse Moi, Monsieur mjs:

    It is I, Charles (pronounced Sharrrrrrrrrrrlz), Mr. democommie's inner frenchman. I must say, that I am more than a bit alarmed by the, how does my dear friend, democommie, say it?, by the "batshit KKKrazy" being displayed by the opponents to your president (and I feel my president, as well) Barack Obama.

    To that end, while democommie was busy surfing various tawdry porn sites(Is that REALLY Mme. Palin in that "Nailin' Palin" feature by Larry Flynt?) I used his notebook to write the following missive (next post) I hope it is properly worded and grammatically correct. Alas, english is neither mine, nor democommie's first language (he actually speaks passable esperantoejam).

    If you would be interested in sending this letter, or one of your own, to all of your releavant congressional persons and party leaders, I would appreciate it. Merci!

    I am afraid that the "tap" I gave democommie has raised a considerable oeuf on his skull and he will be a bit confused (well, more so than is usual) when he awakens. I did take the ice out of his morning "Wild Turkey Smoothie" and that should help with the swelling.

    I must bid "adieu" (although I am an atheist, go figure!) to you, mon ami.

    Au revoir!

  6. Dear (congressional person of your choice):

    This oath:

    "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter: So help me God.",

    if I have it right, is the one that all members of the U.S. Congress swear to when they are seated.

    Many of your colleagues, on both sides of the aisle, are derelict in those sworn duties.

    It is becoming apparent, once again, that the congress, one that is--theoretically, at least--controlled by your party is about to roll over and beg. Instead of doing for your constituents what you have promised, in taking your oath of office, to do, you are simply caving to public opinion, threats from the GOP and parties whose only intent in attending your "Town Hall Meetings" is to disrupt them. Stop it. Stop acting as if you don't know how to fight. Stop allowing paid health industry shills, agents provocateur and credulous dupes to dictate the rules of your conduct. Stop acting as if what they are saying has ANY merit whatsoever. Stop conceding defeat to the judases of the GOP and some in your own ranks that are, again, willing to screw not only their constituents, but yours, for their own political gain.

    Stop wasting valuable time by allowing the "deathers" to derail the agenda of a meeting in order to keep any discussion, about the merits of the plan, from being pursued between you and those of us who want to know what the plan is and how it will be implemented.

    That the GOP is like an asylum being run by its most dangerous inmates is glaringly obvious. I do not expect the party that voted in lockstep for virtually every boneheaded, illegal and immoral provision of the Bush regime's legislative agenda to change their ways; but, you people? For the sake of your constituents, if not your own self esteem, begin acting like men and women who have some faint notion of what true public service is. Stop looking for favorable poll numbers and listening to consultants tell you how you can weather the storm and get re-elected. You know what the truth is and you know what needs to be done. Find your self-respect, your courage and your integrity whether you've lost those qualities, sold them or you have simply discarded them. Earn your goddamned pay and a measure of genuine respect for your party and your office.

    Do what is right. Help the American people, your supposed bosses; tell them that you know that they need and deserve a genuine healthcare plan, not some cobbled together piece of useless verbiage that is filled with new ways to squander OUR money while doing nothing to alleviate the suffering of millions of uninsured or underinsured Americans in a time of great need.

    I will not apologize for the tone or the content of this letter. It is the truth and it is indicative of my anger at your party’s abandonment of their principals and their failure to uphold their oath of office on this issue. Don't bother to tell me what you are doing, just do it. Deliver to us, your employers, the service which you swore an oath to perform. Nothing less is acceptable.

    Good day, to you, Sir.

  7. As I have promised, voila!


    Charles (Pronunced Shhhhhhhharlz)

  8. Merci, Charles (Pronunced Shhhhhhhharlz)! Merci!


  9. Didn't you notice? It's always 'pull the plug on grandma'? Never grandpa. So how come you have both 'awash in the socialist sangria'? Grandpa's going to do fine! Time we got rid of those old bats anyway.

  10. Thank you Judith for bringing up this difficult subject. Grandpa went to Canada on holiday--he wandered off from his tour group in Quebec and was arrested for being an elderly Americonned man. He was forced to stand before a Canadian Testicle Panel--he ultimately lost his case and thereafter was known as Grandma. Somehow Pol Pot and Ming the Merciless were involved as well.



We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.