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Friday, August 14, 2009
The Opinuary Column
Posted by mjs
The Opinion "Discussing end-of-life issues is a reasonable approach to an ineluctable reality" has died from Cultural Asphyxiation. Attempts to resuscitate the deceased were shouted down by standers-by who totally got off on its very public demise.
The Opinion, born during the age of Socrates, leaves no descendants who are even remotely considering issuing a statement, for fear of being trampled to death by a herd of bewildered elderly citizens. Standing resolutely atop the Opinion's coffin is Americonned's Queen of the Daft, the great Fearmonger Priestess Sarah Palin, who was in favor of end-of-life directives before she was against them. Using only a Bowie knife, helicopter gunships and cable news outlets as her weapons, Ms. Palin high-kicked her way across the treacherous tundra as she tracked down and single-handedly killed the subversive idea that citizens might benefit from having access to information pertinent to issues they face in their senior years (principally regarding the nagging fact that none of us are immortal). Having scalped the freshly slaughtered Opinion, Ms. Palin slapped her own ass and screeched "Take that, Letterman!" before vanishing into an Ice Cave somewhere in the Great White North.
As with Abstinence Only approaches to contraception so too the "Zip it, Granny" approach to Living Wills, Advanced Directives and DNRs. Fact: to speak rationally about sex means that you will soon be copulating with everything in sight, probably mid-sentence, starting with the furniture and ending with the food processor. Similarly, the mere act of discussing end-of-life issues can only end in a government-mandated bloodbath, the lifeless corpses of Grandpa and Grandma awash in socialist sangria serving as silent witness. Grand Guignol for the Senior Set, this French assault on our values brings another meaning entirely to American Gothic (horror!).
In lieu of donations the family of the Opinion has asked that we all go fuck ourselves.
The Opinuary Column appears every Friday afternoon at Jesus' General.