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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Passion of the Cracker: Saving the un-Jesused of Escambia County

Pastor Ted Traylor
Olive Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Traylor,

White Christian America is in trouble. As you point out in your blog, our great nation is under assault "by Illegal [sic] immigrants, secularization of public schools, and Muslims living here in numbers which make them a religious percentage of the population."

Now, the evil is even finding it's way to you in Pensacola metro area. Just last week, a vicious ring of drag queens stole all of the county's best man-sized dresses.

But that's not the worst of it. One of your congregants, Pace High School Principal Frank Lay, is facing felony contempt of court charges for bringing his heathen students to Jesus through compelled prayer. Sure, he violated a court order, but he was serving a higher purpose: saving the little Jewish kids' souls.

There's a long history of that kind of fellowshipping of the un-Jesused in Escambia County. The local Klan brought Jesus' message of love to the Pace's needy for nearly a century. My own wife, Ofjoshua, experienced that love back in the Seventies when a cross was burned on her lawn just a few blocks from Principal Lay's school.

The federal courts don't know it yet, but they picked a fight with the wrong guy. The locals--at least the ones that count--love and respect him as a true son of the Confederacy. They know a large portrait of Robert E. Lee dominates his office. They know his favorite band is Lynyrd Skynyrd. They know he worked hard to turn Pace High School into what they now proudly refer to by its nickname "The Baptist Academy." And they know that in spite of the court order, Lay requires his teachers to look after their students' "spiritual development."

The federal courts are turning Principal Lay into a martyr. He will now become a symbol of all that the good white Christians of Florida Panhandle hate. And from the looks of his sermon at your church, he'll team up with you to fuel their anger even more. The un-Jesused of Escambia will no doubt pay very dearly for that.

Praise his name.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. I'm a little concerned about the Bible conference you're holding at your church in September. One of your speakers, Perry “Airhead” Robbins, appears to be sporting a balloon penis in his photo. That ain't right.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. ah, our locals. they're such fun.... although I'm certain they won't see the humor in this.

  3. General, Sir:

    The balloon guy looks like a skinnier John Wayne GAYce. That last group, "The Sons of the Father"? I'm not sure about the old buck in the back, but them two plump and shiny fellers in front look like maybe their mama met Mr. Reverend Dead and Stinky Falwell BEHIND the revival tent.

  4. General, Sir:

    I think Pastor, er, I mean Prickcipal, damn it! I mean Principal Lay is just trying to retain alla what's good about southern heritage. Hey, the gubmint took away their right to own inferior people; then it said you couldn't lynch the bad ones; then it made them inferior people the same (well, that's a laugh). Now they want to take away whitesome delightsome JESUS from our schools. Since when has it been against the law to say a prayer before class or over the PA system at an assembly? Who put the atheists in charge of the churches. What the fudge?

  5. Good thing Colonel Lay is in Florida where baby jesus reigns supreme, cuz in most places it's a Felony when old men extol the virtues of "lovin on" teenagers.

  6. How can you go wrong with a guy who looks like Sam Elliott's crazy Baptist cousin? There's gonna be some ass-whuppin' goin' on.

    Speaking of which, The Great State of Ohio has a jurist we can all get behind.

  7. He has a whole crowd of interesting people at this Bible Conference. It looks like Ergun Caner might be a fraud, CLaims to have been a devout moslem but seems to know little to nothing about reality of Islam.
    Why doesnt paste work here?
    Do a search for Ergun Caner fraud.

  8. For the record, that’s not a penis-shaped balloon Mr. “Airhead” Robbins is holding. It’s a Maxwell Street polish.

  9. Counsellor von Ebers:

    I was reading that like "shoe polish" and thought for a moment there you had veered into "Waxing the dolphin" territory. I shoulda knowed better, ask me, nice Oak Park Cat'lick kid like you'd never do nuttin like that.

    General, Sir:

    I know Pastor Traylor (I knew his mama, Enid, of the Doublewide-Traylors) has got more'n'enuff brunswick stew on his plate already, but...

    Olive Baptist? What the Sam Hill is that all about? Olive is a goldurned color, Sir, and the color it ain't is white. Why don't they just be honest and call it Swarthymore Baptist. Simperin' JESUS in a Bikram yoga class, what's next BLACK Baptist Churches?

  10. Since when is Cincinnati considered part of Ohio? On my map, it's in the middle of Mississippi. And moving south...

  11. Good point, Demo. It’s “Polish” with a capital “P” …

  12. I read that-there newsicalpaper story you linked to and couldn't get past the name of the skool superintendent who's the boss of Lay -- Tim Wyrosdick.

    How can the man appear in public with a surname like that? "Wyrosdick" In a battle between a man with a perverted name like that, and a decent name like "Lay", who do you think The Lord is going to favour?

  13. I may be just a girl, but even I know this is a really stupid answer from Principal Lay (and I've had a few principal lays in my life)...

    What are your daily responsibilities?
    The buck stops here

  14. ewell said everyone. You are all on fire today.

  15. Demo, for further clarification, see here and here.

    Now I’m hungry.

  16. General, Sir:

    Chuck hijacked my fuckin' puter and put a thread up on MY blog--under my name, no less--about them idiots at the healthcare initiative "Town Hall Meetings.". He says he won't give me the password for netnanny until I tell folks about it.

    I am so gonna kick his ass, even if it does hurt me as much it hurts him, that weaselfuckingfrog of of inner frenchie!

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  19. General, Sir:

    Is there some way to shut off Rozydesouza or f-bomb the server that sends this shit?

  20. If this Lay person had tried that at our High School when we were growing up, we'd have protested hugely. But I guess years of Lay et al's brainwashing has sapped the students' abilities to think critically about these lawbreakers.

    If the school board doesn't remove them from their positions, how will the school maintain any semblance of legitimacy?

    How do they expect to get funding when the state of FL and the Federal goverment withdraw funding from them?

    These questions seem obvious to me, but maybe you have to learn to think like our Founding Fathers did...something that Lay should be teaching these kids, and not his fsm psychobabble.

    To the unAmerican commie bastards ruining these children's minds, I say: Bah!

  21. OH. You're so evil, General. Your comment about the balloon got me to click on the link.

    I see this Baptist outfit has Ergun Caner coming to their September bible conference. Good ole Ergun, the dean of Liberty Baptist Seminary (yep, Jerry Falwell's outfit). The guy who made his name going around and trashing his former religion (Islam). The guy who claimed his dad built the mosque in Columbus, OH. (Erm, the building was built in 1903.) The guy who claimed that he had a Ph.D until he was busted only last month by yours truly. (He has a Th.D, plus a D.Min from a diploma mill). Then he tried to say that his Th.D was equivalent to a Ph.D and he tried to disavow his diploma mill D.Min. He's busted on that as well.

    Gee. Why am I so not surprised?

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.