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Friday, September 18, 2009

The Holy Virgins of Mississippi

Don Thompson
Executive Director
Mississippi Department of Human Services

Dear Mr. Thompson,

I hear your annual Abstinence Fair and Wash Yourself in the Blood of Jesus Expo is coming up. I'm hoping you'll use it to celebrate yesterday's announcement that Mississippi tops the nation in the number of teen pregnancies. That's quite an accomplishment for a state that promotes abstinence as ferociously as Glenn Beck hankers for a Wendy's Frosty™.

I'm a bit worried, however, that many will not fully grasp what this honor truly means. I mean, my gosh, a single case of immaculate conception is a genuine miracle and you've experienced tens of thousands. That's amazing, especially since it's occurring now, at a time when the Antichrist is alive and feasting on the corpses of Christian children somewhere deep within his White House lair.

I can't wait to watch as all these children grow strong as they temper themselves in the fires of poverty, incarceration, and societal neglect and emerge into adulthood, fully prepared for a life of servitude.

We have your abstinence policies to thank for that.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Our nation's most prominent Confederate-American, Robert Stacey McCain, predicts that some of these children will grow up to become English kings.

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    God would never give us a burden that we could not handle.

  2. So JCrick, you're saying God reckons America can handle Glenn Beck and Rush Limboxycon at the same time? God is wise beyond my ability to see so...

  3. General, Sir:

    That pitcher is from MY "Baby's First" book. I'm not sure how you got it, but that's aside to the point. I just want all of your readers to know that my dear old mammy woulda never let me smoke a ciggy at that tender age if I wasn't wearin' my nomex diapers. SIDFSIB (Sudden Infant Death From Smoking In Bed) Syndrome is a rare, but very real tragedy, Sir.

  4. Anonymous12:36 PM

    General! I've found what to do with those spermoAmericans. Enjoy.

  5. Bukko,

    Don't you understand that God has BLESSED us with Glenn Beck?...not so much Rush. I mean, sure Rush has taken on the rotund characteristics of a renaissance cherub, but Beck hears the voices and obeys! He is our leader now. Thank goodness he has finally been revealed to us!!!

    There is no amount of sanity that will ever tear us apart from our leader!!!

  6. Damn, Demo. You beat me to it.

  7. With our birth rate, one day Mississippi will rule all you liberal birth control bastards. Well, after we kick Utah's ass, of course.

  8. Demo, if you want to see more precious babee pitchers like that'un, have I got a site to make yore eyes sore! Scroll down a bit for the cute one of the tot in the tub with the 3-metre anaconda.

  9. Bukko in Australia:

    That was pretty fucking sick, alright.

  10. Hey -- wait! It's my opinions that are sick! (And worth $1 each from Mr-Opinuary-Who's-Running-Outta-Ideas.) Those baby pics are cuuuuute -- especially the one with the naked guy holding the baby on his hairy belly while he bottle-feeds it. At least a devoted Spartan wrestling fan would think that's cute...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.