Procreation Superstar
Dear Mr. Duggar,
Wow. You're welcoming your 19th child into the family quiver. I bet you're very proud, and you should be. You're about as potent as a Barry White box set.
But then, I guess some of the credit should go to the steely-tailed Spermatazoan-Americans you harbor in your man-grenades. They're like a team of little superheroes, a mighty league of potency able to shoot down a urethra like a hot-loaded .357 wad cutter and penetrate Ovum-Americans, effortlessly, like a Limbaughian rant through a Birther's skull.What are your plans for them in the near future? As a Christian, you can't release them into the Duggar family baby machine--it's already occupied by a Fetus-American, and non-procreative sex is a sin.
I can't imagine you participating in the tubesock holocaust; so I suspect you save their little lives by liberating them into a Mason jar. That's what I do. You should come over and see my cellar some time. I have a whole wall of shelves filled with them.
I'm growing a little worried about the little buggers, lately. I'm not sure my Spermatazoan-Americans are as happy as they could be. They just kind of sit there in the jars, doing nothing other than watching Fox news on the tee vee I brought in. It's not like they're dead--their juice still tastes fine. I just think they need more stimulation, more excitement, than what Glenn Beck can provide.
I suspect yours are different, more active. I bet they jump and swim so potently the sperm juice looks like it's boiling right there in the jars. I'd like mine to see that. It might wake them up out of their stupor. Could you send me a quart jar or two?
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Shouldn't we offer God a little something for any damages He causes? For instance say $200.00 if He causes someone's molars to rot or maybe $400.00 to make someone's testicles shoot out their anus (Quid Pro Quo Jesus!). Maybe $50.00 to make one eye bleed*. You know, we could work up a whole price list. After all, God ain't no slave who fucks people up for free.
ReplyDelete*Note: The amounts listed here are just suggestions and are not binding!
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HOW CAN ANYONE EVEN THINK ABOUT SPERMATAZOAN-AMERICANS (important as they are, granted) WHEN notPRESIDENT OBAMA IS GOING TO HYPNOTISE THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA AND MAKE THEM SERVANTS OF HIS ZOMBIE ARMY?!?
ReplyDeleteIt might even be happening today! (I often get mixed up as to what day it is in your time-lagging USA. I mean, it's always tomorrow here, and you're bringing up the clock's rear.)
All I can say is that if you see Obamazombies coming at you, remember the advice that patriotikkk radio broadkkkaster and Watergate martyr G. Gordon Liddy had about kkkilling federal government agents -- "Shoot for the head." And if you fear that your children have been turned into Obamazombies (can we call them O-Zs?) and you can't bring yourself to shoot them, then please shoot YOURSELF in the head. Especially if you live in Texas.
Jim Bob is certainly the holiest man I know. He's got Abraham licked, who only had two sons, and just look how one of those turned out - becoming the forefather of our islamafascist president. Jim's got a big head start on founding his own nation or baseball team. Maybe Dugger's Buggers? By the time he's done populating the earth, they're going to have another couple of books to the old testament - The Book of Jim and the Book of Gonads.
ReplyDeleteI'm betting ole Jim Bob took on this role as "Procreation Superstar" 'cause he was a bit skittish in front of a camera in his birthday suit working in pornos.
ReplyDeleteSeems he got the best of both worlds with this gig: lots of money syndicating the family, and lots of pelvic action to boot!!
Back in the old country, the gypsies did this too, only they rode the government's 'maintain the population' programs.
I can see your point, sir. It may well be a mason jar/turkey baster matter.
ReplyDelete.. now there's an image I coulda done without...
Bukko:
ReplyDeleteOy. I’ve been going back and forth on that very topic with the principal of our sons’ middle school (who’s a very decent fellow, the principal; but he feels the need to cave to the righties’ insane conspiracy theories about That Black Man Who Claims to Be President … this, in a town that goes, like, 75-80% Democratic in every election; which isn’t the point, really, it’s just that the tail’s always wagging the fucking dog around here, is all).
So much for getting any work done on a Friday afternoon.
General:
In the interest of full disclosure, I’m the youngest of 11. But holy shit. Nineteen? Too bad these folks aren’t Catholic. Even my parents’d heard of Vatican II.
Motherfucker!
ReplyDelete++++
Dave, what you're seeing the the genius of the patriotiKKK KKKonservative movement. Even when they're not demanding anything, weak-kneed liberals will contort themselves into pretzels to avoid trouble with enraged right-wingers.
ReplyDeleteBecause right-wingers like the shock troops of the GCCCR are scary. Who knows what we might do? Yell crazy stuff? Hit someone? We might be carrying guns. People who behave outside the normal boundaries of polite society could do ANYTHING! Best to please them, so nobody gets hurt.
That's why self-censorship works best in totalitarian societies. The best censorship isn't when a government agent isn't standing by the printing presses or TV cameras surveying every word. Things might slip by. But if the editors and reporters are examining their own words, for fear of offending the powers-that-be, they'll restrict themselves more effectively than any outside agent will.
Naturally, thqat sort of censorship is imposed by leftist communists. It would never happen with newspapers and television and radio owned by freedom-loving corporations in a capitalist society. I just bring it up as a conceptual example.
Anyway, your sons' principal would make the JerryFalwellBabyJesus happy. He is obeying the orders even when they haven't been issued.
". . . their juice still tastes fine."
ReplyDeleteOMG Mon General. I'm speechless.
Are they shooting (ick) for two dozen?
ReplyDeleteOMG Mon General. I'm speechless.
ReplyDeleteDQ, you'll be able to speak again as soon as the retching stops.