The Opinion "Glenn Beck eats paste" has died. Relatives of the Opinion have been on the defensive lately, and to a man have asserted to the media that Glenn Beck does not eat paste, rather he eats crayons dipped in ethanol and acepromazine. The death of the Opinion was unexpected by anyone who has ever seen their private stock of paste vanish when that porcine twerp shows up, but what can you do? The coroner's report is sacrosanct.
The strangely cobbled-together broadcaster known as Glenn Beck, who cannot be reached by anyone, anywhere, at any time, says that he enjoys the "flavor colors" of Crayola brand crayons, and the themes and ideas those "flavor colors" represent. For instance, Blue represents the Sky and Jesus, Red represents Hell and Lucifer, and Green represents Communism and death and the previously mentioned color Red (see Hell and Lucifer). From color comes art, and we all know how subversive art is, don't we?
Many of Beck's audience (most of whom are in danger of having their oxygen shut off by bloodthirsty death panel advocates) will all rest a little easier knowing that the sweaty, unctuous entertainer who is seen squirming and contorting inside the magic RCA color box--the fella who cries a lot and would be mistaken for Porky Pig if he dropped his trousers--has at last been cleared of any paste-related wrong-doing.
Family and friends of the Opinion found some airplane glue in the garage and could not be reached for further comment. In lieu of flowers how about sending this maudlin, hyperbolic, obsequious toady a six-pack of Shut The Fuck Up. Better yet, make it a twelve pack.
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Note from mjs: It's almost too bad knowing that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990--or might have, or at the very least it remains a possibility. I think he made a painting of the event and titled it Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Art is so cool!
The Opinuary Column appears Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.
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