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Friday, September 04, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Glenn Beck eats paste" has died. Relatives of the Opinion have been on the defensive lately, and to a man have asserted to the media that Glenn Beck does not eat paste, rather he eats crayons dipped in ethanol and acepromazine. The death of the Opinion was unexpected by anyone who has ever seen their private stock of paste vanish when that porcine twerp shows up, but what can you do? The coroner's report is sacrosanct.

The strangely cobbled-together broadcaster known as Glenn Beck, who cannot be reached by anyone, anywhere, at any time, says that he enjoys the "flavor colors" of Crayola brand crayons, and the themes and ideas those "flavor colors" represent. For instance, Blue represents the Sky and Jesus, Red represents Hell and Lucifer, and Green represents Communism and death and the previously mentioned color Red (see Hell and Lucifer). From color comes art, and we all know how subversive art is, don't we?

Many of Beck's audience (most of whom are in danger of having their oxygen shut off by bloodthirsty death panel advocates) will all rest a little easier knowing that the sweaty, unctuous entertainer who is seen squirming and contorting inside the magic RCA color box--the fella who cries a lot and would be mistaken for Porky Pig if he dropped his trousers--has at last been cleared of any paste-related wrong-doing.

Family and friends of the Opinion found some airplane glue in the garage and could not be reached for further comment. In lieu of flowers how about sending this maudlin, hyperbolic, obsequious toady a six-pack of Shut The Fuck Up. Better yet, make it a twelve pack.


Note from mjs: It's almost too bad knowing that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990--or might have, or at the very least it remains a possibility. I think he made a painting of the event and titled it Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Art is so cool!

The Opinuary Column appears Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.



  1. My understanding of the situation is that although Glenn Beck has not denied that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990, the authorities have not made a move to act on this rumor because no one has been able to locate and collect evidence from when Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 (as is rumored). It is too bad that Glenn Beck does not seem to want to even allow the issue of Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 to even enter the conversation and allow the light of day to shine on the subject of Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 so we can consider what he himself has to say about Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.

    What does that tell you???

  2. I heard Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990!!!

  3. Richard, there's no PROOF that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Although you would think that if he was innocent, he would come right out on his show and deny it.

    I know that I certainly did not rape and murder any young girls in 1990. Or 1991, either. As for 1992, I'm not so sure, because I was an alcoholic then and might have done some shameful things during drunken blackouts.

    Glenn Beck was an alcoholic too. I wonder whether that has something to do with his silence on the accusations of raping and murdering a young girl in 1990.

  4. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    It's all well and good to follow this " Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990!!!" meme. Except I heard that it was boy, or perhaps fellow mediagiantgasbag, Rush Limpone. I'm also virtuously certain that Rush's nickname, "Fluffernutter" has nothing to do with marshmallow&peanut butter sammiches.

  5. Anonymous1:19 PM

    Of course we can't be sure until he provides documentation, but I understood that it was a young boy--a very young boy--that Glenn Beck raped and murdered in the 90s. I think it was only one.

  6. Who knows how many it is really that Glenn Beck really raped and murdered.

    Probably, only the one that is rumored. But until the authorities follow up on the evidence - OR - lack of evidence - we will never feel secure about the psycho alleged status of Glenn Beck.

    All I know is that I keep checking for his name in the community bulletins about sexual predators that have been released into halfway houses.

    Just FYI, I also have a Glock 15 ready to confront Mr Beck if he decides to indroduce himself to my grandson.

  7. ...Glenn Beck has, by his behaviors on his own show, proven himself to be without reason; therefore, I feel beholden to protect my family against him and his influence, should that be necessary.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.