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Monday, September 07, 2009

Pastor Anderson: Teabag Martyr

Pastor Steven L Anderson
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Anderson,

Satan's out there, whispering into the ears of your fire alarm business clients, telling them to cancel their contracts with you. And now, you're beginning to feel the pain. That's what your sister said in a post at the Faithful Word Baptist Church Listeners (password protected) web site:
I'm sure by now you've all heard about the recent media attention my brother Steve has gotten about his preaching. What you may not know; however, is how this negative publicity has affected him and his family. Not only have they been repeatedly harassed and threatened, but this has all but destroyed his fire alarm business--he just lost his biggest client over this!
This is terrible news. If your slide into bankruptcy continues, you may suffer the same fate as the Edwards family: your followers (or was it your wife?) will hack your blog and mock your children for living in poverty.

But I guess there'd be a silver lining. Your family would qualify for socialized health care.

Becoming unemployable is the price a pastor pays for praying for a president's death. It was bound to anger people and convince them you're insane. You knew that. Now, it's time to accept your role as a martyr.

Not that being a martyr is a bad gig. Martyrdom is Sarah's Palin's cash cow, and it's a cow she can ride straight into a GOP presidential nomination. You might be able do something similar by parlaying it into a lucrative teaparty career. God knows, those folks never grow tired of threats against presidents (Democratic ones, anyway).

But then again, maybe you could use your threat-issuing talents to save your business. Get all of your followers together to attend imprecatory prayer-a-thons at local businesses. Tell the owners it'd be a shame if the prayers prompted God to rain fire and brimstone down on their businesses. I bet they'd buy your alarms then.

Please tell Zsuzsanna I'm looking forward to reading all her new bean recipes.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

6 comments:

  1. You'll pass along those bean recipes, won't you?

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  2. I'll just bet she concluded her whine by asking the congregation to make up Pastor Steve's losses by contributing even more than they do now. It's the Christian thing to do don'cha know.

    (But if they don't, there won't be any church rooms available to store your AR-15 while you are in the sanctuary.)

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  3. I'm sure that Pastor Anderson would choose to DIIIIIIIE! rather than than get medical care from a socialistigovernmentofascist system. The same goes for his children if Satan should afflict them with diabetes or being run over by a school bus. What's the life of your child when there are principles at stake, eh?

    Besides, if the many (minus those nasty Edwards) parishioners at his megachurch don't tithe the pittance he needs for that good ol' inexpensive private health care, he can go to the emergency room. It's the American way! And during the 16 hours he has to wait to see an overworked medico, he can preach to the illegal immigrants who jump the queue to get ahead of him, and try to persuade to repent of their brownness and Papacy.

    But seriously, re: his alarm business. Who WOULDN'T want an angry man who rants about the people who deserve killing to know the layout of their homes, and how to work the warning system that will protect them at night in case someone breaks in and wants to kill them? Are people in Arizona that timid? Buncha Democrat wusses, if you ask me.

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  4. Karma, they say, is a bitch. And now it appears in the case of Pastor Anderson, that the female dog has not only peed on his leg, it appears to have shit in his shoes and is preparing to bite him on the ass.

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  5. General, Sir:

    I think the rev. paperboy has it right. Now if only the same thing could happen to our favorite KKKountry-MurKKKin singer, Mr. Tubby Queef.

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  6. An aside - Zsuzsnna gets home-schooled on health-care! Though in her smugly superior way she tries to play it off, she never manages to refute the logical - even Biblical - reasons why national health care is way better than the uber-con that is health-for-corporate-profit.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.