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Monday, September 07, 2009

Satan's Crustaceans

Pastor Jim Rankin
Freedom Worship Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Rankin,

Crabs are evil things. They're Satan's crustaceans. Armored spiders with demonic pincers and flesh so foul it's prohibited for consumption in Leviticus. And no matter what the scientists say, I know from experience that, on occasion, they emerge from the sea into our toilets to lay their eggs on our unsuspecting private parts. We know that's the truth no matter how often our doctors roll their eyes and laugh at you as they prescribe their ointments and lotions.

But then, I suppose even crabs serve a purpose--or at least, horseshoe crabs do. They serve as living proof that Darwinist evolution is nothing but bunk. They haven't evolved in the least over the six millennia since Adam said, "Hey, that crab looks like a horseshoe; let that be its name."

Still they are crabs, and as such, a danger to men's souls and a source of maddening itching. So Freedom Worship Baptist Church is to be commended for sponsoring the annual motorcycle jump over the world's largest model of a horseshoe crab. It's a beautiful thing actually, a celebration of faith's triumph over Godless science--that is when it's successful.

This year it wasn't. It ended in failure when your dare-angel, Louis "Rocket" Re, fell a little short of the landing ramp and collided with the crab's wicked tail.

He's OK, but that sure makes us look bad as Christians. People wonder why God would allow the crab to win. I mean, hey, it's not that big of a jump, God could have given Re that little extra push he needed.

Unless, you lacked faith. Was that it? Did you have a tiny bit of doubt about God's ability to fling a motorcycle and rider across a gigantic crab? Is that why Re crashed?

Or maybe you hired the wrong dare-angel. Perhaps Rocket Re was not living a pure life. Maybe his concentration and strength were sapped by overindulgence in the sin of Onan. Or worse yet, maybe he's one of those secret communists who voted for Obama. What kind of name is Re, anyway? It doesn't sound very Baptist to me.

You might consider a different approach next time. How about just shooting the damned thing. It'd be a lot safer (as long as you all didn't circle it) and more American--you know those jumping bikes aren't Harleys; they're Japanese.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. If the church is done with that Big Horseshoe Crab because they're so bloody embarrassed about the debacle, they should send it Down Under. Because Australia LOVES big statues. There's already a Giant Mud Crab, a Big Lobster and a Gigantic Prawn, but no Horseshoe Crab. Swim it on down!

    Oh, who am I kidding? Fundamentalist churches have no sense of embarrassment.

  2. General, Sir:

    I would like to volunteer our services (and your money) to helping these poor KKKristians out. I already have Han working on my plans for a giant bottle of Pyrinate A-200. It did involve a cutting torch and your Escalade (watch the video from "Animal House" where they turn the Lincoln into the Deathmobile and I think you'll get the idea), but, hey, you can't make a GODLY omelette without breaking somebody's huevos. As soon as we empty that 900 pounder of propane that's out behind the compound and fill it with the A-200, we're good to go. I'm gonna need a check for $61,237.43 for gas, grub and tolls.

  3. " CNN Rated the World's largest Crab as one of the top 5 sites to see in the world."

    Yeah, I'm gonna have to see a cite or I'm calling bullshit.

  4. ah, not exactly:

  5. I'm sure all of this proves something about physics and Jesus. Something profound and beyond the normal scope of jumping over things--or not jumping over things.


  6. Southern Ohio never fails to disappoint.

  7. Some one once asked "What's good for crabs?".
    I answered "blue ointment". The guy answered
    "that'll kill the poor little bastards, I want to know what's good for them." Har, Har, Har.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.