Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Waging War Against the Brits

Adm. Eric T. Olson
Commander, U.S. Special Operations Command

Dear Admiral Olson,

When most people think of Special Ops, they picture Navy Seals seizing an off shore oil rig or Army Green Berets conducting recon deep behind enemy lines. While it's true that those kinds of heroic actions are SOCOM's bread and butter, the role your psychological warfare operations play is just as critical to our military success.

That's why I'm so happy to see you've targeted Great Britain for "a network of psychological-warfare 'influence websites' supporting the Global War On Terror." After nearly 200 years, it's about time we finally unleashed our blogging fury against the bastards who burned down the White House.

But do you think General Dynamics is the best contractor to lead such an effort? I've seen their posts, and I have to tell you, passages like the following just aren't what one would call "compelling reading:"
The GNC subassembly incorporates a GPS receiver with a low-cost control system known as the Roll-Controlled Fixed Canard (RCFC) system, developed and patented by General Dynamics Ordnance and Tactical Systems, that allows the mortar to adjust its flight to reach the intended target.
Who in the hell is going to make it past the first sentence of that? Wait, the whole thing's a sentence. Good God. It's reads like it was written by a cross between G. Gordon Liddy and William Faulkner's dim-witted, anal-retentive, evil twin.

You need a real blogger to launch this covert assault against British intelligence. It should be someone who has experience selling the Gloriously Eternal War on Terror to the public, someone who's familiar with the GEWOT stylebook, someone who isn't afraid to USE the RANDOM CAPS, so favored by the FRIGHTENED and mentally UNSTABLE. Atlas Shrugs editor Pamela Gellar would be perfect for the job, if only she could learn to write in English. There's no time for that.

That leaves me. I CAN write in RANDOM caps. I can sprinkle enough "bloodys," "colours," and "programmes," into each post to make myself appear to be British. Even more importantly, I can mimic the over-hyphenated, adverbophillic style of Islamphobic British amateur spy Dominic Wightman and the misspelled scribblings of Obsession video star/Muslim convert Glenn Jenvey.

I can be a British Islamophobe, dammit! And, I'll do it for $1 million, that's one-tenth of what you're paying General Dynamics.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. You made me look at Atlas Shrugs! I'm not sure that is forgivable.

    But when you really get raptured, if you can send me a TP, I'l get over it.

  2. If the good folks at SOCOM refuse to reward the General with a gig might I suggest the role of PSYOPs blogger go to Stephen King? He could write something spooky about brown people and the rest would take care of itself (and I'm positive they could run his prose through a randomizer so THAT certain words would be CAPITALIZED, you know, RANDOMLY). Fact: after King wrote The Stand the city of Las Vegas saw an amazing growth spurt. A spurt of amazing growth. Spurting. Growing. Whatever. War on Terror GOOD!


  3. GeNerAL, sIR:

    It's nOT randoM KapitelicinG of wurdS, it'S rAnDom caPidELisene of LedDers, peRiud. Oh, end sum misspelline and fuckedup grammer helpz two, also.

  4. Now THERE'S writing to emulate!!

    I aspire to THIS kind of 'writing', as I'm sure all will attests: weird emPHAsis, incoherent phraseology (thank God for spell-checkers), run-on-sentences (so I like hyphens.. and too many periods...)

    I'm JUST freely expressing myself through bad English.

  5. Uh, oh. Don’t get Rev. Paperboy started on that War of 1812, or I’m gonna hafta get all Johnny Horton on his ass.

  6. Yes, General!

    I am AUTHORIZED to REPORT that a GLORIOUS VICTORY has been won in TerrorLand, doubleplusgood!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.