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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The War on Halloween will not be won by a round of todger honking

Raymond E. Drake
The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property

Dear President Drake,

I thoroughly enjoyed your Crusade Magazine interview with Mission America's Linda Harvey. The threat Harry Potter poses to the world's children can't be overstated. The same goes for Halloween. I thought Mrs. Harvey did an incredible job of explaining why the pagan-based holidays of Christmas and Easter are acceptable and that orgy of satanic wickedness we call "Halloween" is not:
People say, “Well, Christmas was a pagan influence originally.” But the difference is that God is in charge of everything, and I believe the original pagan underpinnings of Christmas and Easter have been co-opted by Christianity. But the Lord has left Halloween alone to test us. For some reason God is allowing the work of Satan in the world today, and the devil has co-opted Halloween. On top of that it is becoming an emphasized holiday. It is right behind Christmas as far as decoration, spending, costumes and all the paraphernalia involved. You see houses decorated for Halloween just like a house would be decorated for Christmas, and it makes me shudder because there is nothing holy, honorable or positive about this date. October 31 is the pagans’ highest holiday and we are helping them celebrate it. What a slap in the face to our wonderful God!
I tried co-opting Halloween for Jesus last year. I dressed up like you do when you're protesting the Gay--you know, with the red cape, sash and cute little golden brooch. But it was weird. Big, hairy men kept making me honk their todgers. You might want to rethink those outfits.

It may be a better idea to just have the Holy Virgin stop Halloween the same way She stopped that performance of Jerry Springer: The Opera in Cincinnati. You remember that. She ended the show by causing a storm and power outage.

God, how She hates Springer.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. Halloween has got nothing on our True Believer friends! Every Spring Jesus breaks into a sweat because so many Christians are out at the Home Depots, getting ready to build crosses for you-know-who to be nailed to. Laugh at death at Halloween? No sir! Reenact your man/god's murder in a Passion Play? Yes indeedy!

    Ever try and get a Snickers bar from a man nailed to a cross? Well have you? It ain't gonna fill your bag, if you know what I mean, and I suspect that you do.


  2. Are you kiddin!? That outfit kills provided it comes with the hot red CFM Pope slippers.

  3. General, Sir:

    Has Mr. Blackwell seen this? I mean sufferin' JESUS in an off the rack tunic! Not only do Ray's suit and togatopper clash like Hamas and the JDL, but does the guy even own a mirror. The tie is just so fucking wrong. Also, a little blush and a warm or neutral eyeliner would work wonders for making him look like a human--a human corpse, maybe, but human, at least.

  4. because there is nothing holy, honorable or positive about this date. October 31

    Really? Can't think of a better way to undermine boogy man fears of a child than by making/having fun with all the scary stuff of Halloween.

    But then, what do I know...

  5. To be fair to Mrs. Harvey, I never would have known that the devil was behind public school sponsorship of "multicultural events" if she hadn't alerted me to it.

  6. I must say, that cape and broach ensemble looks like part of my Roman gladiator outfit. But I usually only wear it with a generous application of olive oil, not a suit from Mens Warehouse. Faux pas!

  7.'s ok, joe visionary
    ( i like the holy virgin )
    ..i, like the holy virgin,
    honor oct 31st as the day
    of the birth of our savior..


  8. Totally off topic, General … but here’s a video of Glenn Beck in his natural habitat.

    Watch and enjoy.

  9. Does this mean that when I was in 4th grade and persuaded my Mom to sew me a Jolly Green Giant costume for the elementary school parade, it was because Satan was whispering in my ear? (Especially because the Giant is so much Teh Gay!)

    Halloween is getting big Down Underhere. There are occasional voices of protest, saying how "it's not even a traditional Australian holiday." Wait until I start telling people "It's a celebration from Satan!" That's going to be a meme that goes viral like swine flu.

    Unless people just laugh at me the way they do when I mention all the other satanic influences on modern society. These damn Aussies just don't have the fear of Satan that they should -- not even the Mahometan immigrants.

  10. 'War on Halloween will not be won by a round of todger honking'

    No not a single round, but God-damn it, it will be won with todger honking! I've been doing to for years to beat the evil scourge of Halloween and damn I'm sore. I won't give up. I won't give in, i'm todger honking as much and as often as a red-blooded patriot can and I *will* not give up until I expire or Halloween has been sent back to the firey pits of Hell where it came from!

    PS. Bukko, We don't fear Satan in the same way because we're on the underside of the world & closer and have kinda gotten used to him. He is that annoying, noisy, sulphur-y smelling neighbour downstairs we all have had in our lives at one point or another.

  11. BC -- so you mean Satan's onneathem Lebs! Or Greeks. They look the same to me. Hairy backs and all...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.