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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Take out your dead

Rep. Louis Gohmert
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Gohmert,

I've opposed hate crimes protection for the gay since day one. Like many of those who've been washed in the blood of the Lamb, I consider such laws to be an infringement on a Christian's First Amendment right to spread the gospel by employing the Holy Steel-Toed Boots of Witnessing.

But your speech changed my mind.

You see, until your speech, it hadn't occurred to me that the law would allow people to have sex with the dead. Corpse sex might be an option for a lot of us. Dead people never complain about your hygiene or the fact you sometimes shoot the television to stop the socialism from soiling your living room carpet.

Sure, some people might object, but dammit, it's not like you're doing something as sick and perverted as masturbating.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. All roads lead to Hitler. Every single last one of them. Alongside those roads that lead to Hitler are motels, wherein you will find all manner of perversions that are enjoyed by hedonists, morbid deviants* and Tom Bodett fans. And since it is common knowledge that all roads lead to Hitler there was a time when Motel 6 nearly chose the slogan "We'll leave a Reich on for you" but opted out at the last second. The very last Hitleresque second.

    *A corpse never, ever fakes an orgasm. You could look it up.


  2. I wouldn't know where to begin with something like that. Sexual perversion=economic chaos!

    Damn those one night stands!!!!

  3. The Lord and Gohmert are the only thing ones stopping us from total debauchery. Who amongst us has not been to a funeral and felt like getting jiggy with the dearly deceased as they were being lowered? (Well, if the deceased person or pet was the opposite sex, of course otherwise it would be disgusting).

  4. I applaud the noble, self-sacrificing stand Rep. Gomer (R-U.S.M.C.) has taken on this. He's willing to vote that way even though, if people will no longer have sex with corpses, he doesn't stand a chance of getting any.

    My eyes are getting misty thinking what Teh Founding Fathers would say if they knew the Peoples' Representatives in the Congress that they fought to establish was having a public discussion on sex with animals and dead people. Would they be proud, or WHAT?

  5. General, Sir:

    I think it's only because of Reprehensible Gohmert's own situation that he's so sensitive to this groin problem. I mean, that guy has one hell of a melon. I'm sure you're aware of the Heathen Skullfuckers M.C. club. They would absolutely kill for a shot at that dome.

  6. I have to be honest, inasmuch as he may not know quite how to address the variety of sexual tastes and how morality should make allowances for it, he comes across as someone who has struggled with these questions, both in government committee and in his own mind.

    Furthermore, he's a Republican from Texas, which from my limited experience seems to be a source of ideological extremes - never too sure what I'll hear from there.

    I'll say that at least he's trying, General. It may be that you'll subsequently find a post or a clip where this same guy rants like a neocon loony, but for all that I've come to expect of American politics, for all his short comings, he's making an honest effort, SIR!

  7. thats oddly peculiar, mjs..
    the fund raising ads here are priceless.

  8. What a shame Rep. Goober's courageous wide stance did not prevail. Because already, people in Texas are being caught sleeping with corpses. And they were both in the closet! I wonder if those fellas were from Rev. Gumpert's district?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.