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Friday, October 16, 2009

Helmet Tips: Seducing Your Man

It's been a long time since I last posted any sex advice, but I was emailed a question this week that was too compelling to pass up. What can a not-man do when her head of household stops plowing the south 40?
Dear General,

My husband stopped drinking about eight months ago and it takes an act of God to get him to have sex with me......

What can I do?

Drying Up in Des Moines...
Dear Drying Up,

You're going to have to pick up a few things to make the experience a little more exotic and exciting. Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not talking about naughty lingerie or edible panties. There's nothing manly about a lacy teddy or a tiny G-string. Those are lady things. Only a homosexual would be turned on by such frilly foofery.

What you need are things that excite a man. Go to town and get a trapeze, a sheepskin, a tube of carpet adhesive, a bag of pork rinds, a roll of duct tape, a ratchet (preferably a 10 inch flip lever tear drop with an 1/2 in. drive), and a copy of the abridged video version of Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead." Once you've gathered all that, do the following:

1. Attach the trapeze to the ceiling above the bed. Be sure to anchor it into the joists rather than the drywall--you don't want to come crashing down.

2. Attach the sheepskin to your torso using the carpet adhesive.

3. Attach the pork rinds to your not-man chest thingies and inner thighs using the duct tape.

4. Load the video and pause it.

5. Duct tape your tv/dvd/vcr remote and ratchet to a place on your sheepskin where you can easily grab them.

6. Climb onto the trapeze and then flip around so you are upside down.

7. Make bleating noises until he comes within arms' reach.

8. Point out the location of the pork rinds.

9. Quickly lower his pants while he's feeding and jam the handle of the ratchet up his cave of shame and begin stimulating his happy button.

10. Start the abridged video version of Ayn Rand's "The Fountain Head." He'll be all over you the moment he hears Gary Coopers voice.

11. Rewind and replay the video once if needed, but that shouldn't be necessary; it's long enough to bring most men to climax without rewinding.

12. Thank the Lord.

That should do it.

Please write me back and let me know how it went.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. The video may be hard to find, so I'm enclosing it, here:

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1 comment:

  1. General, Sir:

    I regret to say that while doing a dianglenostic on the Ayn Rand video I was unexplikably transferred to another called "Gay Lord Of The Rings". That Frodo's got himself a purty mouth, Sir. Just sayin.

    Just one caveat about the "Helmet Tip", Sir. I'm pretty sure that particular use of duct tape is against most regulations.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.