Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Captain Moroni for Congress

Elder David J Harmer
Harmer for Congress

Dear Mr. Harmer,

As a fellow "free American Mormon," I'm glad to hear you're running for Congress. I find the reasoning behind your decision incredibly inspiring: "Mormon candidates," you declare, "have an understanding that is unique because members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints know we are all children of God." That has to be the best campaign justification I've ever heard. It gives me curelom bumps.

I also like how you're identifying yourself with Captain Moroni. He's the perfect Book of Mormon character for a teabagger candidate like yourself. I mean, oh my heck, just look at his official BOM picture. He stands there so manly and buff, a block of taut sinewy muscle framed by forearms that'd put a pair of hams to shame, a legion of young, tanned, stripling warriors eagerly peering up into his kilt at his Great Globes and Staff of Righteous Victory. One can almost hear them joyously singing To Nephi, Seer of Olden Time:
Hold to the rod, the iron rod;
'Tis strong, and bright, and true.
You should put that picture on all your campaign literature, It'd scare the heck out of the opposition. Imagine how the gays would tremble when confronted with a picture like that!

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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9 comments:

  1. David J. Harmer: a (Book of Mormon) legend in his own mind.

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  2. Imagine how the gays woulod tremble when confronted with a picture like that!

    um...er..Gerneral Sir, have you seen a movie called "300"? I'm not so sure there would be fearful trembling from Teh Gheys. Trembling of another sort, probably, but from fear? --- Not so much.

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  3. Why is it this guy gets worshiped while wearing a dress but whenever I wear my kilt out in public, y'know, neverfuckinmind.

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  4. It is common knowledge that Moroni, on the fateful day pictured, said unto a strong and able man of the crowd: "You sir--bring unto me the jello mold!" And it was done!

    ++++

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  5. General Sir, Do I spy (with my little eye) a manly sabre peeking out from under the warriors skirt?

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  6. Mormons give me the creeps. They used to come by our house all the time, but last time I slammed the door in their face. The guy started aruing with me that the Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin. He was still yelling when I shut the door.

    Catholics might have pedophile priests, cover-up bishops, and pox-introducing crusades, but we take our Virgin Mary very seriously.

    I almost burnt him at the stake right then and there.

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  7. General, Sir:

    Mr. mjs, Sir brings up an interesting point about the Jell-o, at least to me, Sir. Do any of those comely young AmazoMoron maidens (the ones that are the recipients of all those invitations to "Float") get into Notmanly Jell-O Wrasslin'? I mean I think there's somethin' sorta cute'n'sexy about a devout, young woman covered with lime Jell-O flecked with bits of cottage cheese, mandarin orange segments, coconut and the like. If that sounds really sick, Sir, it wasn't me that asked.

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  8. MMM. Jell-o. Memories. Memories.

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  9. Uh...Thomas...where is it that you are wearing said kilt?

    Time would be good also.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.