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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Santa writes a letter to Bill Donohue

Santa asked me to allow him to post a letter. I'm not crazy enough to say no, so here it is. --JC

Bill Donohue
Catholic League

Dear Mr. Donohue,

I usually catch a lot of crap from religious folk this time of year. They criticize me for being too secular and complain that my work undermines the "reason for the season."

But you're different. You understand that I'm an agent of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and that mocking me is the same as blaspheming our Savior. That's why you issued a press release attacking the "art critics" and "sissies" who defame me by producing such plays as “Santa Claus is Coming Out" and “How the Drag Queen Stole Christmas.”

I want to make this clear. Santa Claus is 110% heterosexual. Indeed, I'm so heterosexual, I sneak down your chimney several times a year to watch your attempts to mount Mrs. Donohue. I find it to be both very erotic and extremely educational. Indeed, Mrs. Claus and I have you to thank for introducing us to that "Ned Beatty and the angry, frustrated hillbilly" thing we love so much.

Now that that's out of the way, let's take a look at the part of your press release where you address “The Eight: Reindeer Monologues.” You describe it as a play "featur[ing] a discussion of Santa raping Vixen." You just leave it at that. That's all you say.

You don't examine the doctrine of stewardship and how it might play into my relations with my reindeer. There's no discussion of how God commands us to be stewards of the land and all that is upon it. You fail to explain how these "reindeer games" relate to such righteous stewardship practices as mountain top removal and dumping carbon into the air. You just leave it at "Santa raping Vixen."

How do you think people will react to that? It makes me sound like a pervert who gets his jollies by rogering Rudolph. Well, that isn't the case. I just get lonely and cold sometimes, so I exercise my dominion over the does in my herd. I never do it with Rudolph, Blitzen, or any of the other bucks. I'm not a sick bastard.

You have to make this right. Please issue another press release declaring your support for my reindeer stewardship.

Christmasly yours,

Santa H. Claus

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  1. I can attest to the fact that Santa Claus is 100% heterosexual. He left me a gift last Christmas and the state just started garnishing his wages for the child support.

    Enough egg nog will make any guy look good.

  2. So when he says "On Comet, on Cupid, on Prancer, on Vixen" it isn't so much urging on the team as describing where he spends his time.
    He says he doesn't try to put is jolly little elf in Rudolph or the other bucks but what about Olive? You know, the "other reindeer"

  3. General, Sir:

    Do you know what Mrs. Claus and all the girls do when his Jolly Rotundity and the boys are out on their rounds? Well, they go downtown, have a few cocktails and blow a couple of bucks.

    Don't like that one?

    Here's another.

    Two Reindeer walk into a bar. Sarah Palin pulls out her .30-06 and whacks 'em. Rimshot!

  4. I should probably ask Santa for some tips. Like him, I am obese and have a beard in excess of three feet in length. I can barely mount a quadruped without getting my goatee wrapped around my balls.

    It's uncomfortable I tell you.

  5. I really hope that our Bill gets to see these comments. But I guess he's pretty well sheltered from anything unholy.

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  7. General, Sir:

    Did that Christmas letter of Bill D's include any imprecatory prayin'. Oral Roberts has performed a service for mankind, by dying at the age of 91. Too bad it took so long.

  8. Santa has been with the reindeer? Well, that does it. I'm putting the cookies away, and building a super hot fire in the fireplace. I got something hot for you Santa -- just drop down the chimney. Really.

    And my stocking better have 14k gold in it.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.