Bill Donohue
Catholic League
Dear Mr. Donohue,
I usually catch a lot of crap from religious folk this time of year. They criticize me for being too secular and complain that my work undermines the "reason for the season."But you're different. You understand that I'm an agent of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and that mocking me is the same as blaspheming our Savior. That's why you issued a press release attacking the "art critics" and "sissies" who defame me by producing such plays as “Santa Claus is Coming Out" and “How the Drag Queen Stole Christmas.”
I want to make this clear. Santa Claus is 110% heterosexual. Indeed, I'm so heterosexual, I sneak down your chimney several times a year to watch your attempts to mount Mrs. Donohue. I find it to be both very erotic and extremely educational. Indeed, Mrs. Claus and I have you to thank for introducing us to that "Ned Beatty and the angry, frustrated hillbilly" thing we love so much.
Now that that's out of the way, let's take a look at the part of your press release where you address “The Eight: Reindeer Monologues.” You describe it as a play "featur[ing] a discussion of Santa raping Vixen." You just leave it at that. That's all you say.
You don't examine the doctrine of stewardship and how it might play into my relations with my reindeer. There's no discussion of how God commands us to be stewards of the land and all that is upon it. You fail to explain how these "reindeer games" relate to such righteous stewardship practices as mountain top removal and dumping carbon into the air. You just leave it at "Santa raping Vixen."
How do you think people will react to that? It makes me sound like a pervert who gets his jollies by rogering Rudolph. Well, that isn't the case. I just get lonely and cold sometimes, so I exercise my dominion over the does in my herd. I never do it with Rudolph, Blitzen, or any of the other bucks. I'm not a sick bastard.
You have to make this right. Please issue another press release declaring your support for my reindeer stewardship.
Christmasly yours,
Santa H. Claus
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