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Wednesday, December 02, 2009

A Nativist's Nativity

Last night, the Lord appeared before me in the form of a fiery chunk of pork rind that burned with great heat yet was not consumed. Seeing God like that confused me. Was I supposed to eat Him and remember His Flesh? How would I extinguish the eternal glory of His holy flame so I wouldn't burn my fingers? Should I stop doing the melon? Thankfully, he interrupted my inner monologue by speaking to me:
Joshua, as much as My Flesh might enjoy watching you play naughty fruit vendor with that unblemished cantaloupe, I need you to stop for a moment. I have a task for you.

Me damn it, Joshua, stop it now, before I smite your Me damn ass.

OK. Have you seen this article about the Salvation Army withholding presents from immigrant children? I want to incorporate it into the story of my birth. I need you to help me edit it. Write down everything I say.

Let's begin at the part where the Wise Men give me stuff, Matthew 2:11:
[11] And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.
Add this:
[12] And their merriment awakened the Samaritan family in the neighboring manger. "Behold," the mother, who was named Juanita, shoutethed, "thou hath awakened my baby."

[13] And Balthasar, the cute wise man spake, "Let us take a portion of our gifts and share them with the Samaritan child."

[14] And behold the baby, Jesus, rose out of his manger and rebuked Balthasar, shouting, "Knoweth thou, thou foul mother-knower. Thou ain't giving a knowing thing to no knowing foreigner, so drop that Myrrh and go knoweth thyself.

[15] Balthasar wept.
OK, that's pretty good I think. Did you get it?

Now let's add something about the gay in there while we're at it. The Salvation Army is with me on that too.

We'll go back to where we left off.
[16] And Melchior, the sensitive wise man, saw that Balthasar was sad, so he took him into his arms and held him tight.

[17] And the baby, Jesus, saw this and other things as well, and he said "Behold, Bathasar hath grown wooden in his loins! And behold the fancy cut and fine fabric of his robes! He's one of them lieth-with-men mother-knowers!"

[18] and Jesus smote Balthasar with his binky.
OK, renumber everything after that and send it off to my publishers.

Thanks. You can go back to doing your melon now, but remember, I'll eventually smite you with blindness for doing it.
And then the fiery pork rind disappeared.

Now for something only slightly different.

It'd be a real shame if wicked people tried to pressure the Salvation Army into treating everyone with dignity by doing something like this:

1. Download the graphic below.
2. Print it.
3. Cut it into check-sized pieces.
4. Deposit "checks" in Salvation Army kettles.

Please don't do it, and for God's sake, don't go to other blogs and mention it in their comments.

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26 comments:

  1. "No toys for you Julio, go back to Tijuana! Santa only visits American kids."
    How very,very Christian of them.
    One wonders whether they go the whole distance and notify Immigration or Lou Dobbs about the presence of non-citizens in the area.

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  2. Fun. I hate those fucking kettles.

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  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  4. It would be even more of a shame if people printed those awful, anti-Christian messages on greenish paper that might pass for dollar bills. So don't do that!

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  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  6. How do they discriminate against gays?

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  7. SA on gays: http://www.americablog.com/2004/11/details-of-salvation-armys-rabidly.html

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  8. Salvation Army Recipe

    Justify your enmity by invoking the words of the Old Testament! Cloak the Words of Judgment in the robe of the Savior of the New Testament! Ignore the words of Jesus: I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Let simmer. Serves hate.

    ++++

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  9. I'm genuinely sorry to hear this. I had thought the S.A., notwithstanding all the ridiculous policies to which it subjects its employees, was the sort of religious charity most religious charities pretend to be: Help the poor, no questions asked, in hope that their example would bring converts.

    This was true in the past--several oldtimers have told me stories about being helped out by the S.A., with very little sermonizing, when they were down on their luck. But they all happened in a time when an intelligent person who wanted to help the poor might find religious context to be a reasonable way to do it. Nowadays, such people avoid religion, leaving those institutions to be run by whatever fools and crazies are left. Homophobes and racists, for example. (The S.A. always had a problem with sex, as seen in the restrictions it places on members who want to get married.)

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  10. You couldn't use a damn URL shortener?

    Here: http://is.gd/5adZY

    Much betta than typing out the whole chron URL.

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  11. Romans 1: 26-32

    26 For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; 27 and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

    28 And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. 29 They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, 31 foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless.

    32 Though they know God's decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

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  12. True Christians believe 100% of the Bible is 100% the Word of God, indeed the Word IS God.

    Are you all so INTOLERANT that you would insist that someone change their religion so YOU can feel OK with immoral behaviors or other sins?

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  13. But I followed all the rules in the bible; even the rules that contradicted the other rules!

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  14. tell us about 2 kings 2:23-24, Eli.

     23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

     24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

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  15. Wait, there's a part of the bible where some kids make fun of a bald dude so he gets the lord to make bears eat the kids?

    The bible is cooler than I thought.

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  16. No Ell. Most would hope that the message of Christ, and the compassion his message represented, could be carried out by all of the religious zealots that act in Christ's name.

    Instead the religious of our age choose to USE the bible as a tool to condemn, repress and hate the people that THEY, the religious zealots, choose are not worthy.

    Christianity is not your tool for repression.

    Get a fucking clue!

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  17. General, Sir!

    When do you plan on reporting about Obama's glorious Kristian escalation of the war in Afghanisomething against those IslamistFascistTalibanTerrorists? I watched his West Point speech and my little soldier was standing at attention the whole time. Oh, the glory!

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  18. So, I guess our friend Ell is the final arbiter of what makes a “true Christian.” But you, General, are intolerant for criticizing the Salvation Army? Huh. This God-y stuff is so confusing.

    In any event, if we’re gonna get all picky about our bible verses ’n such, I would only point out that the Letter of Paul to the Romans isn’t, and doesn’t purport to be, “the Word of God” …

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  19. Ell - YOUR RELIGION IS INTOLERANT. YOU NEED TO CHANGE IN ORDER TO FIT IN WITH HUMANITY.

    That is all.

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  20. Dear Ell - Your religion is intolerant. Maybe you should change in order to fit in with humanity.

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  21. Dr. von Ebers has made a salient point here -- the books of the New Testament containing the epistles of Paul, et al, were never intended to be anything more than -- and I use this word with a wince -- fundamentally fundraising and news letters to various early Christian ministries. If it's Word O' God you're looking for, you're barking up the wrong tree in Romans.

    Now the Old Testament occasionally gets down and dirty on the subject of 'the gay,' but treats it the same way it treats pork eaters, shell fish gobblers, Sabbath unkeepers, and those who forget to toast up a sacrifical oxen at the altar. Have you toasted up your sacrificial oxen today, Eli?

    Jesus himself says nothing about homosexuality, but he did have a word for you, Eli, in Matthew 7:1: "Judge not, that ye be not judged."

    Then there's this quote, from Matthew 7:26: "And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand."

    You might also consider this line from Matthew 7:20: "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them."

    However, in this secular nation you're allowed to be as intolerant as you want, as long as you don't deny someone else their rights in the process, or try to make your religion state-sanctioned.

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  22. Eli:

    Fine rant there, son, fine rant. Why don't you go get yourself a dreidl and shove it up your fundament. A little fleshly mortification is good for the soul.

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  23. "Having your image of God--the most intimate, hidden mystery of your life--defined for you in terms contrived by some council of bishops back, say, in the 5th century or so: what good is that?"

    Joseph Campbell

    ++++

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  24. Exactly, mjs -- just as the vote of one bishop kept the horrible Book of Revelations in the Bible. (Jebas, what would the fundies do without John's Revelations?)

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  25. "the men likewise gave up..."

    ah, but ya see, Eli?
    I'm just the one man I am - not *all* men.
    And I haven't given up anything.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.