A Nativist's Nativity

Last night, the Lord appeared before me in the form of a fiery chunk of pork rind that burned with great heat yet was not consumed. Seeing God like that confused me. Was I supposed to eat Him and remember His Flesh? How would I extinguish the eternal glory of His holy flame so I wouldn't burn my fingers? Should I stop doing the melon? Thankfully, he interrupted my inner monologue by speaking to me:

Joshua, as much as My Flesh might enjoy watching you play naughty fruit vendor with that unblemished cantaloupe, I need you to stop for a moment. I have a task for you.

Me damn it, Joshua, stop it now, before I smite your Me damn ass.

OK. Have you seen this article about the Salvation Army withholding presents from immigrant children? I want to incorporate it into the story of my birth. I need you to help me edit it. Write down everything I say.

Let's begin at the part where the Wise Men give me stuff, Matthew 2:11:

[11] And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.

Add this:

[12] And their merriment awakened the Samaritan family in the neighboring manger. "Behold," the mother, who was named Juanita, shoutethed, "thou hath awakened my baby."

[13] And Balthasar, the cute wise man spake, "Let us take a portion of our gifts and share them with the Samaritan child."

[14] And behold the baby, Jesus, rose out of his manger and rebuked Balthasar, shouting, "Knoweth thou, thou foul mother-knower. Thou ain't giving a knowing thing to no knowing foreigner, so drop that Myrrh and go knoweth thyself.

[15] Balthasar wept.

OK, that's pretty good I think. Did you get it?

Now let's add something about the gay in there while we're at it. The Salvation Army is with me on that too.

We'll go back to where we left off.

[16] And Melchior, the sensitive wise man, saw that Balthasar was sad, so he took him into his arms and held him tight.

[17] And the baby, Jesus, saw this and other things as well, and he said "Behold, Bathasar hath grown wooden in his loins! And behold the fancy cut and fine fabric of his robes! He's one of them lieth-with-men mother-knowers!"

[18] and Jesus smote Balthasar with his binky.

OK, renumber everything after that and send it off to my publishers.

Thanks. You can go back to doing your melon now, but remember, I'll eventually smite you with blindness for doing it.

And then the fiery pork rind disappeared.

Now for something only slightly different.

It'd be a real shame if wicked people tried to pressure the Salvation Army into treating everyone with dignity by doing something like this:

1. Download the graphic below.
2. Print it.
3. Cut it into check-sized pieces.
4. Deposit "checks" in Salvation Army kettles.

Please don't do it, and for God's sake, don't go to other blogs and mention it in their comments.

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