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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Defending our Prophets Against Whaleofascism

Doug Phillips
Producer for Jesus

Dear Mr. Phillips,

I can't wait to see your documentary, "The Galapagos Whaling Controversy: A Christian Perspective" . From what I'm hearing, it finally exposes the membership of the anti-whaling activist group, Sea Shepherd, for what they truly are--animal-loving, Darwin-worshiping agents of the Lord of Greeness, Satan.

And what a vile group they are. Armed with stink bombs to sicken crewmen and nylon cord to foul propellers, they've spent the last few winters thwarting the will of Japan's finest, the courageous admirals of industry who provide whale flesh to a blubber-hungry public for dining "research."

Now, Sea Shepherd has stepped it up a notch by allowing the Japanese "whaling research" security vessel, the Shonan Maru No. 2, to ram one of their boats as it sat drifting in the water, waiting to be fueled (video).

But as you note in your press release, this is more than a war between ecoslamunistofascism and sushi shintoism. It's a Christian conflict as well. It's another front in the Great Crusade against the UnJesused, a strategic campaign to overcome the dark forces of Darwinism.

I hope your film includes a section describing the genesis of the conflict between Judeo-Christians and whales. It's a vital piece of information. Whales are beautiful, majestic creatures of Satan. People will side with them unless they remember that a whale started this war by swallowing Jonah. I like to think of it as the Judeo-Christian Pearl Harbor, a day that will live in infamy, the moment the whale kingdom declared war against Christianity by swallowing a prophet of the Lord.

It's why I never go on a cruise. I suspect the same is true for Dr. Dobson, Rep. Shimkus, Glenn Beck, and other prophets. We don't want to be swallowed up.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. Could we include Biblical science
    in the list of lost causes like fighting for peace and fu*king for virginity?

  2. Whales are known philanderers. They’re worse than the gay. If these eco-fascists had their way, there’d be whales teaching in our schools.

    (By the way, did you see that Daily Kos/Research 2000 poll of Republicans yesterday? More than 70% of the respondents said that gay men shouldn’t be allowed to teach in public schools. These jamokes are less tolerant than Ronald Fucking Reagan, who opposed a California ballot initiative that would’ve banned gays and lesbians from teaching there … and that was back in 1978. Republicans: Building a Bridge to the 19th Century!)

  3. We want Pirate Jesus! We want Pirate Jesus!


  4. Moby Dick called, he told me to tell Doug to suck his cock.

  5. Phuck you darfin and ware!!

  6. Of course whales are teh eeeeevil! There's even a brand called the sp*rm whale. I couldn't bring myself to spell the entire word, it's so disgusting.

    Knowing that they're out there, doing whatever filthy things they do in the ocean, is one of the reasons I don't go to the beach. That, and the way pretty girls laugh at me when I appear in public in a bathing suit. I still like the way those Speedos feel, though. Did you know they're called "budgie smugglers" in Australia? "Budgie" being short for budgerigar, a largeish kind of parakeet, which is what a man's manliness appears to be when it's stuffed into a tight swimsuit, where it twists delicously as it stretches against the smooth Lycra fabric...

    Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, spe*m whales -- KILL EM ALL!!!!!

  7. Doug looks like the evil twin of Stuart Smalley.

  8. I'm waiting for the "Big Love," "Whale Wars," "Deadliest Catch" crossover episode.

  9. yah its really very nice thanks

  10. Sorry, can't abide by Sea Shepherd. After the threats they made to the Makah during their whale hunt (ramming wooden canoes with steel-hulled ships constitutes a potentially lethal threat to me), I hope the Japanese start shooting those bastards. Saving whales is one thing, killing humans to do so is another. Like PETA, the Sheps are nothing but terrorists to me.

  11. FYVM you may be right about Sea Shepard or you may be wrong I don't know but you can't deny that "press release" put out the Christian News Wire was eight kinds of crazy.

  12. I hope the Japanese start shooting those bastards. Saving whales is one thing, killing humans to do so is another.

    That's gotta be sotto-subtle satire, right? "It's wrong to kill Makah humans to in order to save whales, so I hope the Japanese kill Sea Shepherd humans, in order that they can also kill more whales." Kill those killers, because killing is wrong! Sometimes it's hard to separate idiocy from irony.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.