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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Homosexualists Over The Wire

General James T. Conway
Commandant of the Marine Corps

Dear Gen. Conway,

It's a shame your opposition to repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," is resulting in your name becoming a synonym for "insecure bigoted neanderthal." Folks just don't understand the difficulties the repeal would cause the Corps.

The battle to remain heterosexually pure is tough enough for the average guy; it must be extremely difficult in the hyper-masculine culture of the Marine Corps'. All those hard bodies doing drills, running maneuvers, and showering together. It's a testament to each Marine's faith in God that they aren't constantly putting their little howitzers in each others mouths right there on the parade ground.

I'm afraid DADT repeal will change all that. In an organization as large as the Corps, it'll result in at least a couple of Marines publicly proclaiming themselves to be committed to homosexualism.

And that's where the trouble starts, because every other Marine who ever wrestled naked with one of these self-admitted homosexualists will begin to question his own commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle.

I can almost hear their minds at work: "Hey, I oiled that guys cannon at least 137 times late at night in the I really straight?" or "He might have been the guy on the other side of the gap in the latrine I a homosexualist too?"

I'm not just guessing here. We've seen it all before after the Gomer Pile exposure. It sent Sgt Carter into a tailspin. Last I heard he lives on a llama ranch with some guy named Enrique and a cat. Yes, a cat.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. Ya know, if you gave made Air Marshal Conway younger (lose the gray, soldier!) and put some scars from the claws of a savage space beast across the side of his head, he'd look a lot like Col. Quaritch from that alienofascist "Avatar" movie. Of course, all those Gyrenes look the same when you see 'em in person. It's only when you examine their "personal characteristics" through a hole in the latrine wall that you notice the individuality.

  2. Snopes puts to rest the rumor that Pyle was teh gay. Clearly he never was. So shut up.

  3. I'm pretty sure that there are a number of homosexuals in the Marines.

    You just can't get that many men to live in close quarters and be that tidy without some a serious homo dynamic in play.

  4. Full Metal Whackit.


  5. I'm here from the Society of Insecure Bigoted Neanderthals (S.N.I.B, if you fiddle the letters around), and I'd like to state for the record that we'd Welcome General James T. Conway, Commandant of the Marine Corps, to our clan.

    Too often, we're viewed with derision and distaste; we feel this is entirely unfair. It may be true that we're dismissed as 'those leering, drooling lunkheads jerking off in the corner over there', but we'd prefer to be seen as 'liberated' and strictly heterosexual. ... sort of ... maybe not too strictly ...
    oh hell, we'll bone the neighbor's dog in a weak moment ...

  6. Scuse me Dan, but that Snopes piece said NUSSINK! (sorry, quoting from wrong gay actor, wrong army) about whether or not Gomer was afflicted with teh ghey. Just discussed the issue of his marriage with Rock Hudson. Now THAT, I had never heard of.

    But I reckon Pyle was teh strayt. He had such a deep, manly voice when he sang, after all. No lisp, no falsetto... Proof of 100% hetrononymousness!

  7. How did Alexander the Great deal with this issue? Just curious.

  8. Most of the senior brass hold deep reservations about President Obama's pledge to end the ban on gays in the military

    Right, don't mind us woodwinds, just go ahead and pretend you speak for the entire orchestra... you bastards.

  9. If the Marines let gays in... next thing you'll know they'll become the Aqua Marines... maybe even the Turquiose'.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.