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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

My Amazon Review of a Christian Romance Novel

An acquaintance gave OfJoshua a Christian romance novel--A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers--to read. The Holy Ghost prompted me to review it for Amazon. You'll find the result below. As always, please give it a vote, here, if you think this review is helpful.

4.0 out of 5 stars Secularism vs History, March 15, 2010
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews
I'm not much of a romance reader, but I had to pick this book up after reading the summary on the back cover. How could anyone resist a description like this:
Torn by her love for handsome aristocrat, a young slave girl clings to her faith in the living God for deliverence from the forces of decadent Rome.
That simple descriptive sentence could have been written as a summary of my dreams. It's all right there: slave girls, Jesus, and guys dressed in togas. Who could ask for anything more?

But unfortunately, this otherwise fine literary work is flawed. It's not historically accurate. The story occurs 2000 years ago. Where are the dinosaurs? There isn't a single mention of a t-rex or a brontosaurus anywhere in this book. It makes one wonder if the author might be a secret Darwinist.

You'd think dinosaurs would show up in the orgy scenes. There was a lot of homosexuality in ancient Rome, and as we Christians know, a society that accepts that kind of behavior eventually embraces bestiality. So why are there no descriptions of Marcus Valerian giving a stegosaurus a right good rogering?

That's why this novel gets four stars rather than five.

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  1. General, I studied Roman History in University, albeit, a Liberal college. I seem to recall that Tacitus mentions somewhere in his Annals or his History, that Sulla conquered the dinosaurs before Caesar or even Valerian came to power. But I'm old and nearly senile, so I could be wrong.

  2. Thank goodness the stego was GETTING the rogering instead of GIVING it. Because that would HURT ol' Marcus Valerian.

  3. But General, won’t reading ladies’ books make you gay?

  4. But General, won’t reading ladies’ books make you gay?

    Reading in general will make you gay. And since you are reading this, you are now gay. I, however, am typing in tongues and cannot read, so I am as straight as a stiffy on Rock-Hard Stiffy Night.


  5. won’t reading ladies’ books make you gay?

    It's just like how defending terrrrrrists makes you one, and how any lawyer who defends accused murdererrrrrrrs also goes on to kill little old ladies to take their lunch money. Some things are so eeeeeeevil that merely bumping up against them, or thinking good thoughts instead of hating on them as hard as you can, will rub off on you and you become a convert.

    That's why it's so important for Christians never to touch anyone afflicted with teh ghey. Reading, lawyering, gheying -- it's the same as cooties!

  6. I think "A Break in the Wind" would be a better title for this tome.

  7. *sigh* I find this all so confusing.
    One devout person tells me that I believe that dinosaurs walked with men. Another tells me I believe that dinosaur fossils are nothing but a test of faith since they aren't in the bible, therefore didn't exist.

    Tell me oh General, what do I believe?

    PS. I didn't read the ladies book, I just looked at the pictures. Does that make me gay?

  8. Isn’t “Break Like the Wind” the name of a Spinal Tap album?

  9. Are there any gladiators in the book? If so, I will look forward to the movie.

  10. General, Sir:

    You know that I'm as committed to the cause as anybody but sometimes you say something that's just gotta be straightened out. "Christian Romance", Sir? between a man and a woman? C'mon, Sir, we all know better. Man'n'wifely sex is about all sortsa stuff but not about "romance"--sheesh!

    I mean how romantic can cryin' and pukin' be?

    Now, hangin' out at "Feelin' Good Gents' Club", that might count as romanitcal. We're havin' a special today on lepercon lap dances.

  11. Brilliant as usual, sir. I might point out that Gladiator is flawed for lack of dinosaurs in the coliseum as well.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.