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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

God Speaks to Brother Beck

When a Mormon male says God speaks to him, he means it literally. We believe in modern-day revelation. God shoots the breeze with us (Mormon males over the age of 12) just like he did with Moses or Elisha. Mormonism was founded because of revelations given to a 14 year-old boy, Joseph Smith.

He speaks to the teapartyingest Mormon elder of them all, our beloved Glenn Beck, as well. Indeed, he's given Brother Beck a plan to save America. It's a plan so important, only an ad from moneychangers could delay it's delivery to the people:

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  1. Has Beck finally jumped the tapir?


  2. ... and I was sooo anticipating some profound banality ...

  3. General, Sir:

    I imagine this sort of conversation between Mr. Bek and GOD (with apologies to the writers, director, cast and crew of "The Big Lebowski"

    G. Bek: "Hey, GOD, did you know that the liebralofascist are going to bankrupt our nation, open it's borders to heathen messicans and other sortabrown's, defile our wimmens and steal my bike!?"

    GOD: "Shut the fuck up, Glennie, You're out of your element.

    GB: "God, are these men, "Nazis"?

    GOD: "No, Glennie, they're islamopinkoliebraltehGAYisthomophilofascists. They won't be a problem."

    GB: "Are they going to hurt us, GOD"?

    GOD: "No, Glennie, they aren't going to hurt us. Now, SHUT THE FUCK UP--0R I'LL SMITE YOUR ASS!

    Whoops, I almost forgot, fuk Glenn Bek, that fuking fuker.

  4. Did God say, Get behind me;

    or did he say, Get thee behind me? (Matthew 16:23)

    Because if it's the latter I think Beck had better make sure he's not standing in the way of God's actual plan.

  5. I know that I sure as hell bellieve that Glenn Beckkk heard from Almightallahy God. I believe EVERYBODY who says they heard from God.

    Because NO ONE would ever claim to hear from God unless they really did. God would smite them dead if they made such a claim falsely. I would never say God spoke to me unless He really did. I'd be too scairt.

    Even if Beckkk didn't believe in God and was deliberately lying, The All-Seeing, Jealous God Above would still strike him dead for taking His Name in vain and misleading so many people. Why, to think Beckkk's message might be false, you'd have to believe that there was no All-Powerful, Vengeful God at all, that he's just a fairy story used to delude and control herds of gullible sheeple. And that's just crazy talk.

    So of COURSE Beckkk is telling the truth.

  6. Dear Glenn,
    Just because you hear voices in your head doesn't mean its God. It's probably just time to get the dosage upped on your antispsychotic meds.
    yours truly,

  7. He who the gods would destroy, they make insane.
    Glenn Beck, case in point.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.