Candidate for Congress
Dear Mr. D'Annunzio,
I'm glad to see you're trouncing your opponent in the Republican primary. Now it's time to finish him off for good. Capitalize on your greatest strength. Force him to campaign against your Christian beliefs.As far as I know, he's been silent about your claim that you found Ark of the Covenant in Arizona. Make him address it by doing an ad about it. Even better, employ the Ark as the centerpiece of your immigration strategy. Say you're going to use it like God used it against the Philistines and send all the immigrants packing with a severe case of hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
Do something with your pyramid smashing Greenland prediction too. I know that's a bit harder to do. No Mexican Muslims there, but I think they have Eskimos. They're brown. They're probably Muslim. Do an ad about how you're addressing the Eskimo Muslim terrorism threat by asking God to crush Greenland with a 1000 mile tall pyramid. I bet Sarah Palin would help you out with that.
I know it's a gamble. God might not smite Greenland before the primary, But when he does, you'll be able to write your own ticket. How does "President D'Annunzio" sound to you?
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
