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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Riding the Holy of Holies to Victory

Tim D'Annunzio
Candidate for Congress

Dear Mr. D'Annunzio,

I'm glad to see you're trouncing your opponent in the Republican primary. Now it's time to finish him off for good. Capitalize on your greatest strength. Force him to campaign against your Christian beliefs.

As far as I know, he's been silent about your claim that you found Ark of the Covenant in Arizona. Make him address it by doing an ad about it. Even better, employ the Ark as the centerpiece of your immigration strategy. Say you're going to use it like God used it against the Philistines and send all the immigrants packing with a severe case of hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

Do something with your pyramid smashing Greenland prediction too. I know that's a bit harder to do. No Mexican Muslims there, but I think they have Eskimos. They're brown. They're probably Muslim. Do an ad about how you're addressing the Eskimo Muslim terrorism threat by asking God to crush Greenland with a 1000 mile tall pyramid. I bet Sarah Palin would help you out with that.

I know it's a gamble. God might not smite Greenland before the primary, But when he does, you'll be able to write your own ticket. How does "President D'Annunzio" sound to you?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. That would be the Eskimoslims, I think.

  2. General, Sir:

    A 1000 mile tall pyramid sounds like a little overkill. Whassamata with having Baby JESUS, the 900 foot tall with laser eyeballs JESUS, openin' up a can of GODLY whupass on them kayakistanians? I mean, a pyramid? That seems so, so, Pharoahistical.

  3. A stoner teabagger. Hmmm....not too sure what to think of that. But it looks like he's smoking some good shit.

  4. Look, I enjoy codified insanity as much as the next derelict, but there are limits, people! This is not the time to invoke Hogwarts Jesus!


  5. I'll confess that if I had never listened to Teh Gen'l's sermons, I never would have heard of "emerods." (Or child-eating she-bears, for that matter). Are there any Biblical verses where God afflicted sinners with hog warts?

  6. How the hell did the Ark of the Covenant end up in Arizona? Did Indiana Jones leave it there?

  7. Arizona is where that warehouse was in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  8. General, Sir:

    Is DunceNazzio related to Jason DuhPutz,Oh!, that famous film maker?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.