Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Boehlert's Numbers Have A Liberal Bias

Once again, this blog is honored with a guest post from Mrs. Palin. Please be kind to her in the comments.

--Gen. JC Christian, patriot

You've probably heard about the big numbers brouhaha my people are having with Media Matters. Eric Boehlert said Obama has a double-digit lead over me in the polls. My good friends at Conservatives for Palin responded, saying, "Nah-huh, Sarah is only eight points behind!" Then, Boehlert came back with this:
Here were the polling results. When asked if they'd "definitely" vote for Palin in 2012, 32 percent of respondents said yes, vs. 45 who percent said they'd vote for Obama, which gave Obama a 13 point, double-digit margin.

Another category of voters included in the poll were those who said they would "probably" vote for Palin or Obama. When those results are included with the "definitely" group, Palin captured 40 percent, vs. Obama's 50 percent, which gave Obama a ten point, double-digit margin.

In truth, the only out C4Palin has is to include an essentially meaningless third category of people who, two years out, "lean" toward voting for Palin (2 percent) vs Obama (1 percent.) But oops! Even when you include all three sets of responses (definitely/probably/lean) that still doesn't add up to the fabricated eight point margin that C4Palin claims separates Palin and Obama in this poll. Instead, it equals a nine-point gap; 51-42.

But yes folks at C4Palin, you should definitely continue to lecture me about math.
What Boehlert won't tell you is that he ciphered these figures using a foreign numbering system. Every number he uses is Arabic in origin, and the gosh darned zero is as Muslimy as all get on.

My supporters at C4Palin use a purely American numbering system I invented while I was waiting for Todd to stop making Trig. It begins with the number one and goes to nine before repeating with an added digit (we use a Palin "P" is instead of an Islamozero, so a ten looks like this: "1P").

I got rid of the number s_x, because it's kind of witchful and looks a little too much like the word, "s_x" -- I think ciphering with s_xes put all those carnal thoughts into Bristol's head. It even kind of looks like Levi's Tripp maker if you think about it. And i have thought about it, a lot. I mean, look: 6. Turn it sideways and you can kind of see his whole darn demonic package.

And I won't even go into how communist the number, s_x, is. All you need to do is look at the names of the communist founders. Lenin, Marx, Eisenhower: s_x letters in each name.

But none of that really plays into this discussion. The most important change I made -- and the one that tripped Boehlert up -- was the addition of two more threes to make a trinity. I felt I needed to do that to Jesus up the remaining Arabic numerals.

Each of the threes in the trinity also represents its own special "Sarah Trinity" I call the first, "3S" (pronounced three-sus), the "Sacred Trinity." It represents the three aspects of me:
  • The Pitbull with Lipstick
  • The Mama Grizzly
  • The Sacred Septenary Virgin
  • The Hockey Mom
The second three, "3R" (pronounced three-er)or "Revered Trinity," represents the three things I want most in life:
  • An Unlimited Clothing Allowance
  • A Republican National Committee Credit Card (Black, not Platinum)
The third three, "3H" (pronounced three-HUH!) or "Holy Trinity" represents the three things I value most:
  • Book Sales
  • Television Deals
  • Appearance Fees
  • Whatever kickbacks Todd can scare up
  • God (not the Allah one, but the one who use to be a Jew)
OK, I kind of went off into the elderberries there, but I needed to give you a quick primer on my number system so you could see how Boelhart's ciphering went wrong.

If you cipher with my number line (1, 2, 3S, 3R, 3H, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 1P...), you'll see that the number "8" appears in the ninth spot. That means my supporters at C4Palin were right all along and Boelert was wrong. His "9" is in the eighth place! And guess what: his "10 point lead" becomes a single digit 9 point lead.

But what about his 13 point double digit edge for Obama? Divide it by the trinities within the trinity, and dang it, you get a number so small, there aren't enough fingers in the world to cipher it.

Back to the General: Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.


  1. Hey General, are you running these workshops?

  2. This made my brain hurt.

    I'm a true conservative. I don't want to have to think about anything while doing politics.

  3. The people who would vote for Sarah would also purchase steak knives from her--they might even purchase them with 3 Easy Installments. If Sarah does run for President she should consider combining her run with steak knife sales (she'll just need to be careful when leaning in to kiss babies). If she shows up for half a term and calls it quits, no problem! Everyone will qualify for a full refund!*

    *There won't be an actual refund, but everyone will qualify for a full refund. It's empowerific!


  4. Have you ever heard someone from New Zealand say the word "six"? Those pre-verts pronounce it "SEX"! At least the rustic ones from the North Island, with their beckweirds vowel sounds and all. Where's that goddam Kiwi Mentis Fugit to confirm this? Is he off seck or something?

    But seriously, does double digits mean like "two fingers"? Because when I think of Sarah, and what a man could do using two fingers, I have to step away from the computer, knowhudImean?

    OK, I'm back to the computer. Hope you figured out what I mean. That's why I'm voting for Sarah in 2012, even if she's not on the ballot. Because I spend too much time on the computer. And if she's Preznit, I'll be spending more time in the washroom.

  5. In the immortal words of Patrick Star, “Math is Power!”

  6. Hey Bukko,

    I think you'll find us Kiwis pronounce six more as sux, it's those disgusting perverted Australians who say it as sex.


  7. General, Sir:

    Is Palinumerology anything like those "Findabuncha numbers" that were talked about in that book, "The Vinny Code"?

    "Six, sex, sux": I said that fast, three times, and my little soldier got somewhat interested.

  8. Housemonkey: Next you're going to be telling me that Kiwis don't actually say "fush and chups"...

    But seriously, when I used to live in Oz, we had a lot of EnZed nurses who came over to work in my hospital so they could be paid in the mighty, mighty Australian dollar. It's true that most of them could speak proper English, Antipodean variant. But there were always a few, including one va-va-va-voom young lady from Whangerai, who had "sex" coming out of her mouth.

    Gosh was it hard to concentrate when I was teamed up with her. Luckily, Canajun nurses aren't nearly as fetching as Kiwis and Ozzies. Or maybe I'm just growing too old...

  9. housemonkey, As the token Aussie (everyone has one, i'm told), I can say we say siiiiix. (our vowels are extenuated) and kiwis do indeed say the rude word for the number that cometh after five, and before seven.
    However, we are disgusting perverts.

  10. Well I'm not going to take being corrected on my own accent by an Australian and saying sex instead of sux doesn't make much sense if we also say fush and chups. You guys are probably just listening wrong.

  11. Listening wrong? That implies we're listening to kiwis at all!

  12. Monkey, you know it's the job of Australians, and wish-they-were Aussies like me, to take the Mick at Kiwis. It's what we DO, mate!

  13. Meh. Don't bother educating Mrs. Palin--arm yourself with knowledge! Don't retreat (as from a flaming car wreck), reload your mind at


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.