Damnations's Cupcakes

David Stockton
Just Cookies
Indianapolis City Market

Dear Mr. Stockton,

Cpl Cletis presented your story during the show and tell portion of our monthly militia meeting last night. The men really liked it. We all agreed that it was a heroic act to deny rainbow cupcakes to homosexualists.

Lord knows what kind of depraved pokey-pokey-sit-and-spin games they would have played with them. I can almost picture rainbow crumbs and frosting exploding from between their thighs like some magnificent multi-hued volcanic eruption somewhere deep in that land where the Care Bears live. Tongues, wicked searching tongues would follow, seeking the sweet rainbow goo splattered across all that hairy flesh, and no doubt, topping a few man-thingy helmets like colorful plumes of tasty Grecian iniquity.

Oh, God, Ohhh, Ohhh, Ohhh. Yeah.

Uh, um, yes. Wicked, wicked, wicked, worldly cupcake games.

You prevented that from happening, and the men wanted to do something to honor your courage.

Our annual Fall Old Time Revival and Survival Preparedness Expo is coming up next month, We'd be honored if you'd accept our invitation to serve as our human oatmeal cookie this year. It's a thing we do to celebrate the Lord's blessings at harvest time.

What we'd do is strip you down, rub honey all over your body, roll you in oats and raisins, and release a dozen squirrels to feast upon your treats.

It's perfectly safe. A couple of us will be armed with spatulas to defend your secret parts from any squirrel who gets a little too greedy. We really like that part--it serves as a metaphor for chastity. Ok, sometimes we may miss a potential acorn thief and paddle a little soldier instead, but then that's really just a more concrete form of promoting chastity, isn't it?

Please let us know when you're available during the first week of November, so we can schedule it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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