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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

"Dew Parties:" Mormons Gone Wild

Michael Harroun
Chief of Police
Brigham Young University

Dear Brother Chief Harroun,

"Heroism," that's the first word that comes to mind whenever I think about the BYU Police Department. Infiltrating homosexualist bars to catch wayward students is a heroic act, one that takes a special kind of courage few people possess. There's always the danger that one of your undecover agents will be bedazzled by the evil homosexual mojo emitting from a tight, man-bulge-enhancing pair of jeans and that demonic line of hair that peeks out above them as it begins its journey to the sacred belly hole.

But homosexualists are not your only quarry. You enforce all of the gospel standards set out by the General authorities, and that's why I'm writing you today. Last night, while I was reading about President David O. McKay at a faith-promoting blog, Mormon Matters, I saw a comment that that shocked me like a BYU aversion therapy probe. Here's what it said:
My brother recently threw a “Dew” party for his BYU friends. It involved chugging from 2-liter bottles of the hard stuff – fully caffeinated Mountain Dew. Wild times…
It's anarchy, utter anarchy in Orem. These rebellious youth need to be brought to justice before they commit even graver sins. If they're chugging Mountain Dew today, they'll be wearing colored shirts to church, going to R-rated movies, and "floating" tomorrow.

The author, a Brother Species373, shouldn't be hard to find. He has an uncommon name--I've never heard of the family.

Heterosexually yours

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Seriously, my employer isn't mormon, but expects men to wear a white shirt and a flat-coloured tie. Except for the specific mormon religious views, most of the comments in the mormon matters article were trotted out.
    Despite being male, I do have the confidence to be able to choose a not-white shirt AND a tie AND i'm still a lazy sod in the morning.

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  3. First they chug from 2-litre jugs of the hard stuff -- (what's with this "litre" stuff, anyway? Submitting to the metricosocialistimeasurement system just because the entire rest of the world uses it?) -- and then they're going to homosexualist hideouts and chugging from something even more horrifying.

  4. Mountain Dew, that's some serious shit. You can get really buzzed up on that shit.

    I know that if I guzzle a 2 liter of Dew, fifteen minutes later I'm popping 'ludes to get back down.

    Don't be fooled, the Dew is a gateway drug.

  5. General, Sir:

    Them ain't no "Dew Parties". A "Dew Party" is when a bunch of young Moron Rumpspringers go out and run buckass nekkid through the fields of Timothy just after dawn when the "dew" is heavy on the upthrust, rigid stalks. Then, when they get back to their pack or coven or whatever, it all gets licked offa their thighs and other parts by some of the guys that couldn't g...oh, wait, I prolly already said too much.

  6. Exactly how bad does a cop in Utah have to screw up to be demoted to patrolling homosexual bars? That's some really sticky duty ... doodee ... sort of the no. 2 assignment ... well, you get my drift.

  7. Bukko, perhaps you are metricist, but at least you spelt 'Litre' correctly unlike most imperialist Americans and their 'Liters'.

    I might add, that American Imperialist measurements are quite fey. 'Ounces'?? What about how one measures things? Isn't Mega great? MegaMart, Megalitre. We're talking big. Isn't it better for the average man to say he is 7.6 centimetres long than 3 inches?

    What is more hard core? Chugging 2 litres of Mountain Dew or 0.528 gallons of Mountain Dew?

    Metric is masculine.

  8. So are you saying that a Mormon is capable of blowing 0.528 Mountain Dew content? When they urinate the Fountains of Kolob run like glow-in-the dark lava. Oh, yeah, I know this to be truthie.

    Riddle me this: why are Mormons so difficult to corner even when I have all seventeen of my vampire gorgon squirrels taking the point position? For all the magic and madness of Mormon mythology the White Ones do retain a certain bland elusiveness that defiles logic.


  9. Riddle me this: why are Mormons so difficult to corner

    That's easy -- it's because of all the Jello!

  10. mjs: magic underpants trumps vampire gorgon squirrels.

  11. In the constant search for punk-garage-band names for the band I’ll never have, “Anarchy in Orem” is high on the list.

  12. General Sir,
    Any selfrespectin' brotheren or sisteren knows that the radiant yellow-green of the MoDu is a dead giveaway to the bishy; that's why we prefer Code Red® down here in Provostan.
    Stay Sweet!!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.