Chief of Police
Brigham Young University
Dear Brother Chief Harroun,
"Heroism," that's the first word that comes to mind whenever I think about the BYU Police Department. Infiltrating homosexualist bars to catch wayward students is a heroic act, one that takes a special kind of courage few people possess. There's always the danger that one of your undecover agents will be bedazzled by the evil homosexual mojo emitting from a tight, man-bulge-enhancing pair of jeans and that demonic line of hair that peeks out above them as it begins its journey to the sacred belly hole.
But homosexualists are not your only quarry. You enforce all of the gospel standards set out by the General authorities, and that's why I'm writing you today. Last night, while I was reading about President David O. McKay at a faith-promoting blog, Mormon Matters, I saw a comment that that shocked me like a BYU aversion therapy probe. Here's what it said:
My brother recently threw a “Dew” party for his BYU friends. It involved chugging from 2-liter bottles of the hard stuff – fully caffeinated Mountain Dew. Wild times…It's anarchy, utter anarchy in Orem. These rebellious youth need to be brought to justice before they commit even graver sins. If they're chugging Mountain Dew today, they'll be wearing colored shirts to church, going to R-rated movies, and "floating" tomorrow.
The author, a Brother Species373, shouldn't be hard to find. He has an uncommon name--I've never heard of the family.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot