I just got off of the phone with Prince Shannon, the leader of the Right Wing Extreme Militia, and I have to tell you, I'm very upset. It all started Tuesday night when I received this email:From: PrinceCan you believe that? After all the help I've given him, he asks whose side I'm on.
To: Gen. JC Christian patriot
Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 7:03 PM
Subject: We need to talk!
I'm pretty upset with you General. We need to talk before tomorrow nights [sic] show. How dare you try to tear patriots apart at a time like this! Who's [sic] side are you on?
I couldn't allow him to get away with making such a baseless charge, so I gave him a call. It didn't help. Rather than apologize, he attacked me, saying that my request for photos of him and his men wearing Ephesians 6 Armor of God was simply a sleazy attempt to obtain "naked pictures" of his unit.
But it got even worse after that. He attacked one of our most sacred and cherished warriorly traditions, Spartan-style wrestling, describing it in a way that made it sound cheap, tawdry, and dirty.
I'm hurt and disgusted.
I don't have time to put a recording of the call up right now. I'll try to put it together as another video over the weekend and post it on Monday.
Here are a couple of short excerpts:
Gen. JC Christian, patriot: I was going to invite you to come over to the compound and meet me for some Spartan-style wrestling. That's the greatest honor...He does his radio show tonight at 11:30 pm EST. He's warned me that I'll be his topic. That's a shame. All I was trying to do was help a fellow patriot.
Prince Shannon: I'm not going to wrestle naked with a bunch of guys. That's a party I won't come too.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot: That's the greatest honor one warrior can give to another. I'm not going to give you that, now.
Prince Shannon: It may have been for that time, General, but the way it works today. You don't think I'm a warrior.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot: I don't think you deserve the honor of having my rigid shaft driven deep into your cave of shame.
Prince Shannon: No, I don't think so. I don't think that is an honorable thing, you know, to have some man's penis...
Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Don't you, don't you make it sound dirty, now.
Prince Shannon: That is dirty general. you've got to be kidding me.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot: No, it's a warriorly thing. If you understood the ways of our Spartan warrior forefathers, you'd understand this.
Prince Shannon: I don't care what the ancient Spartan forefathers did if there are a bunch of naked men wrestling around. And I know they were tough. I know that they were, you know, a real force to be reckoned with, the Spartans were. I understand that. OK, but this isn't Sparta. This is America, here. And we're going down the tubes.
And our groups need each other. We don't need to be talking about things like this. If we have disagreements that's one thing, General. I can overlook that. You believe this way. I believe that way. So what. It has nothing to do with our Constitution....General, we're losing our nation right now. We don't need to be arguing and fighting and doing things like this. We're supposed to bring our groups together...
***
Gen. JC Christian, patriot: You can either send me the photos or not, whatever.
Prince Shannon: Absolutely not. That will not happen, General.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Well...
Prince Shannon: No. That will not happen.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Well, OK. I offered to help. I really believe that you're probably some kind of libislamunistofascist.
Prince Shannon: You know what. Don't call me a liberal. OK, I am not a liberal... I question your leadership, right now, and i question you for not wanting to band the patriots together, because right now, the biggest roadblock to that happening is you.
Previously on Jesus's General
I write Prince Shannon
My first call to Prince Shannon.
Update: Prince Shannon responds in my comments section:
Shannon said...
General! You’re offended and I am offended but jcricket is right! Let us not quarrel amongst ourselves. The fight is out there. It’s not amongst the Spartans and the Crusaders. Let’s get those warrior guys on TV to do a show on who would win. The crusaders or the Spartans? I put my money on the Spartans. You have your traditions and we have ours. But we are on the same team. I think also what is going on here with the militia groups are fighting for who will lead this revolution if it ever happens. My point is, NONE of us will. Our founding fathers were the leaders and we are not fighting for anything other than to restore our constitution and bring our nation back to GOD. We have that in common and if the two of us can’t get it together how will we unit the rest? If I offended you, I offer my apology to you and your men. But I also believe you owe me an apology for offending me and my men. By calling us liberals and mocking who we are. Just as you were offended that I don’t agree. But at the end of the day we are still brothers in Christ. I will offer my apology to you on the show tomorrow and I hope you listen and call in.
We can make history and unite the rest of the Christians and conservatives who love Jesus and their country just as much as we do. I will be asking the question tomorrow night, if we did revolt and we won, what would we change and why? Ask yourself that question as I will be thinking about it as well.
Then He said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come! 2 It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. 3 Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you,[a] rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you,[b] saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”
Luke 17:3
The Prince And I: Previous discussions with Prince Shannon
I write Prince Shannon
Recording: My first call to Prince Shannon.
Calling Prince Shannon again.
Another email: A Fist full of Photos
Recording: Calling Shannon Carson again
You know, General, you should be charging Prince Shannon for all these wonderful phone calls. But be careful: I think you may awaken his dragon.
ReplyDelete++++
When Teh Gen'l was talking, it would take immense self-control to not burst out larfing as hard as I was when I read this. Can't wait for the audio.
ReplyDeleteMy verdict on Prince Shannon being a Sir Robin stands. He won't wrestle because he knows he'll lose. BUK-BUK BU-KRAW! The Portal to his Cavern must be clenched with terror!
General,
ReplyDeleteIt saddens my heart to know that Satan has come between christian brother patriots such as you and Prince Shannon. This rift must be overcome, and the two of you must join as must be your destiny. [The General and The Prince. Sounds like a Hollywood story already.] As a duo, you could be unbeatable!
General, for the sake of the country, for the sake of the siblinghood of Xians everywhere, keep talking to our brother Prince. Keep trying to show him that beam of light that we all know you can show if you just try to relax.
General! You’re offended and I am offended but jcricket is right! Let us not quarrel amongst ourselves. The fight is out there. It’s not amongst the Spartans and the Crusaders. Let’s get those warrior guys on TV to do a show on who would win. The crusaders or the Spartans? I put my money on the Spartans. You have your traditions and we have ours. But we are on the same team. I think also what is going on here with the militia groups are fighting for who will lead this revolution if it ever happens. My point is, NONE of us will. Our founding fathers were the leaders and we are not fighting for anything other than to restore our constitution and bring our nation back to GOD. We have that in common and if the two of us can’t get it together how will we unit the rest? If I offended you, I offer my apology to you and your men. But I also believe you owe me an apology for offending me and my men. By calling us liberals and mocking who we are. Just as you were offended that I don’t agree. But at the end of the day we are still brothers in Christ. I will offer my apology to you on the show tomorrow and I hope you listen and call in.
ReplyDeleteWe can make history and unite the rest of the Christians and conservatives who love Jesus and their country just as much as we do. I will be asking the question tomorrow night, if we did revolt and we won, what would we change and why? Ask yourself that question as I will be thinking about it as well.
Then He said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come! 2 It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. 3 Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you,[a] rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you,[b] saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”
Luke 17:3
Every time Spartan wrestling comes up, Mr. Prince sure seems to get nervous. He shouldn't knock it until he tries it. Nothing builds espirit de corps like oily bodies thrusting together in the moist spectacle of gladiatorial combat. If he doesn't want to be taken from behind, then he should work extra hard to make sure he always comes out on top - then he'll be the one taking some svelte, exhausted young Aryan brother from behind.
ReplyDeleteI’m beginning to question Mr. Shannon’s commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteElsewhere: I’m not so sure Mr. Shannon’s theme song is altogether heterosexual either.
General, the immensity and intensity of your commitment and contribution to the great conservative Christian crusade constantly amazes me. Bravo sir, bravo.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when are you going to get rid of that "burn the confederate flag day" ad that was obviously put up there by some Frenchified liebrals - I mean it's nice to see you fighting the good fight by using the wealth of the enemy against him, just like a good guerilla leader takes the arms and materiel he needs from the enemy, I just hate to see the troops exposed to that sort of pointy-headed liberal cry-baby stuff about the War of Northern Agression.
ReplyDeleteGeneral, if you ever get those photos, I hope you'll share them with the troops. We're feeling a little flaccid after Barker Beck's weekend circlejerkapalooza. Seriously, not one wrestling match in the entire event? How do they expect us to take back this country without espirit de corps?
ReplyDeleteRe: Elsewhere: I’m not so sure Mr. Shannon’s theme song is altogether heterosexual either.
ReplyDeleteOh, great... I hadn't had that song in my head for probably two decades now. But it made me flash back to 1976, when I liked it the first time I heard it. Then I could tolerate it the next dozen times. And then, FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF THE FREAKING SUMMER!, it was like the falsetto ghost of Frankie Valli poltergeisting its way into radio speakers everywhere I went. That's one of those "gum wad on the shoe sole of your brain" songs, vonEb. Now I can't shake it loose. Thaaaaaanks.
Dear Bukko the ’Nuck: You’re welcome.
ReplyDelete"Buk the Nuk" -- hey, I like that! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
ReplyDeleteI think it is important to work out the form of ancient warrior that will be able to rise in the modern world and overcome great adversity to bring America back to God.
ReplyDeleteSpartans were hard, but they really didn't do a lot outside the battle for Thermopylae.
The Crusaders were tough too. However, if we're honest about them, they lost the Holy Land which has lead to the problems we have today.
My militia is based on the true warriors of Alexander's Phalanx. Just seeing the length of our Sarissas usually make men shiver with intimidation. The Phalanx would be as many as 16 men deep, with their sweaty, hard bodies grunting over the shoulder of the man in front, their sarissa's pointed forward. The enemy is presented with a wall of long, erect sarissas with our butt-spikes in the sand. How wonderous!!
Only when America's militia unite in a grunting wall of butt-spikes showing off our sarissa's can we bring God back to America from our enemies.
General, this country was built on the horse's back, and that had nothing to do with riding them. It is a manly pastime lost to modernity. People frown upon mounting a Ford F150, and it hurts a great deal if the exhaust is still warm.
ReplyDeleteSure, Spartan's proved their manhood by horse submission. It is indeed a fine, time honoured thing between a man and his steed. But in retort I have just one word to say: Elephants.
We have a motto: 'Our sarissa is long, our butt-spike firmly in place and our elephant is mounted'
General Sir, I hope we can hear that audio soon. I'm basically sitting around in my Armor of God waiting to be aroused by the smell of victory that will be ours when we link in manly thrusts with the Right Wing Extreme. The transcript teaser is enough to get me started but I really need to hear Prince Shannon's voice to climb to the final summit and plant my flag in the soft yet firm flesh of Christianist warriorhood. Your proud christian privates are all waiting, I would guess, for the battle cry to be sounded. Oiled and ready, sir! BF
ReplyDelete