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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Building a Better Christian Warrior

Shannon Carson
Field Marshal
Right Wing Extreme Militia

Dear Mr. Shannon,

I'm the nation's premiere Christian militia training and crisis management expert, and I think you could use a little help right now. Don't worry, I'm doing it pro-bono. It's a pay-it-forward kind of thing I first picked up from JB Stoner.

You're in real trouble, image-wise, right now. Announcing you'd pull security duty for Pastor Terry Jones's "Burn the Koran Day" and then, almost immediately, backing out was more than just a rookie mistake; it was a rookie disaster. It made you look like a bunch of sequin-spangled pantsuited wussies; not sequin-spangled pantsuited like Elvis--he was, as the kids say, "the bomb"--but like some kind of really bad scooter-riding sideburnless Swedish Euro-pop quartet from France.

I can help you recover. It'll be hard, but if you follow my advice, I think you could become as famous and as intimidating as House Republican Caucus.

Here's what you need to do:

First, you have to lose the handle you're using on your website. I know you think "Prince Shannon" makes you sound like a crusader, but actually, it just reinforces the image that you're an impotent wanker. It's very tinny. You need something much more woody, something like "Emperor Ghorbanifar the Skulldoer." It's the kind of name that'll evoke fear in the hearts of your enemies and cause mothers to pull their children close when you pass by.

Second, you need to look the part. Now, I haven't seen your unit, but I suspect you probably wear black turtlenecks and berets or something very similar. As Christian warriors, you should be wearing the Armor of God (Eph 6:10-17).

Wearing the Armor of God can be tricky. It's invisible, and therefore, hard to position correctly. I can help you with that. I know just how and where it should create impressions on the skin.

I'll need photos of you and your men wearing the Armor of God--nothing else, just the Armor of God, so I can evaluate how well you wear it. Oil up before donning it if you can. It'll help me see the indentations the armor will make in your skin. It'll also help if you shave "down there" so I can gauge the Codpiece of Redemptive Anger's fit. I also hope you'll present your Staffs of Righteousness as rigidly as possible--it's kind of an aesthetic thing I like. Same goes for a bit of lipstick--adds a little color to all that flesh.

The photos should be high resolution, so I can enlarge them enough to be seen on my computer screen from wherever I'm, uh, working, yeah, in my room.

Well, that's about all the help I can give you until I receive the photos. Please send them soon, so I can get right to work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Prince And I: My discussions with Prince Shannon
I write Prince Shannon
Calling Prince Shannon again.
Another email: A Fist full of Photos
Recording: Calling Shannon Carson again


  1. The best Christian warrior is a Predator assassindrone robotic killer. You don't even see it, but it shoots down a Hellfire missile and kills you for your sinfulness. Whatever is judged to be sinful that day. Just like the KKKristian God of the Avenging 900-Foot-Tall Jesus!

    Not sure how onnnathose flying blasters looks in God'a armour, but you're not even supposed to look at them. You're just supposed to bow or die.

  2. The Right Wing Exxxxtreme are smart. I think they made the right decision.
    The Tome of Satan (any book that isn't the bible) won't burn at Fahrenheit 451. Satan's home is a lake of fire. It wouldn't be very practical to have books that burn down there. You can't build a big enough fire at a church to burn a Koran. It would be embarrassing & make Christians look weak.

    However, General, I'm wondering about YOUR loyalties. You're pro-Bono - That irish hippy peace activist from U2. You can't be a true Christian and like U2.

  3. A brief review of the published "Code Of Chivarlry" on the site makes it seem they are into on-line RPG - really interesting

  4. This is Prince Shannon founder of RWE! I appreciate and accept your advice with humility and appreciation. I do not regret having pulled us out of this for reasons we explained in the press release. This simply doesn’t glorify GOD and my loyalties are him first, then country, then family in that order.

    I spoke to the General last night and we agree that our nation’s militia’s need a national meeting and need to pull together.

  5. Does "pull together" mean something like "circle jerk"? Because in context of teh Gen'l's post above, it sure SOUNDS dirty!

    Seriously, though, (as serious as I get here) I would advise dropping the "Shannon" name. When I think of scary Shannons, I think of Shannen Doherty. But you're not her, and she could probably claw your eyes out. And when I think of mean Princes, I think of Erik Prince of the Blackwater murder-for-hire branch of the U.S. government. He could rip your spine out and have it served to your mother on a silver platter without lifting a finger, because he has staff who do that on kkkommand.

    So "Shannon Prince" doesn't cut it as a name. How about "Shane"? Good ol' Western gun-fighter's name. You wouldn't even need a last name with that -- go with one, like all those scary Moozelms in Afphakistan or Indonesia do. If you gotta have a surname, go with something violently in-your-face but simple, like "Blood" or "Claw." Spell it with some extra "K"s, like KKKlaw. That'll make those Mahometans do a mubarak in their muftis! They'll be askeert to come within sniffing distance of any burning Koo-rans.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.