Field Marshal
Right Wing Extreme Militia
Dear Mr. Shannon,
I'm the nation's premiere Christian militia training and crisis management expert, and I think you could use a little help right now. Don't worry, I'm doing it pro-bono. It's a pay-it-forward kind of thing I first picked up from JB Stoner.You're in real trouble, image-wise, right now. Announcing you'd pull security duty for Pastor Terry Jones's "Burn the Koran Day" and then, almost immediately, backing out was more than just a rookie mistake; it was a rookie disaster. It made you look like a bunch of sequin-spangled pantsuited wussies; not sequin-spangled pantsuited like Elvis--he was, as the kids say, "the bomb"--but like some kind of really bad scooter-riding sideburnless Swedish Euro-pop quartet from France.
I can help you recover. It'll be hard, but if you follow my advice, I think you could become as famous and as intimidating as House Republican Caucus.
Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to lose the handle you're using on your website. I know you think "Prince Shannon" makes you sound like a crusader, but actually, it just reinforces the image that you're an impotent wanker. It's very tinny. You need something much more woody, something like "Emperor Ghorbanifar the Skulldoer." It's the kind of name that'll evoke fear in the hearts of your enemies and cause mothers to pull their children close when you pass by.
Second, you need to look the part. Now, I haven't seen your unit, but I suspect you probably wear black turtlenecks and berets or something very similar. As Christian warriors, you should be wearing the Armor of God (Eph 6:10-17).
Wearing the Armor of God can be tricky. It's invisible, and therefore, hard to position correctly. I can help you with that. I know just how and where it should create impressions on the skin.
I'll need photos of you and your men wearing the Armor of God--nothing else, just the Armor of God, so I can evaluate how well you wear it. Oil up before donning it if you can. It'll help me see the indentations the armor will make in your skin. It'll also help if you shave "down there" so I can gauge the Codpiece of Redemptive Anger's fit. I also hope you'll present your Staffs of Righteousness as rigidly as possible--it's kind of an aesthetic thing I like. Same goes for a bit of lipstick--adds a little color to all that flesh.
The photos should be high resolution, so I can enlarge them enough to be seen on my computer screen from wherever I'm, uh, working, yeah, in my room.
Well, that's about all the help I can give you until I receive the photos. Please send them soon, so I can get right to work.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
The Prince And I: My discussions with Prince Shannon
I write Prince Shannon
Calling Prince Shannon again.
Another email: A Fist full of Photos
Recording: Calling Shannon Carson again
