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Monday, August 30, 2010

The Prince and the General

Last week, I wrote Prince Shannon, the commander of the Right Wing Extreme Militia, offering to help him through a public relations crisis--he volunteered his group to provide security for "Burn the Koran Day," and then, almost immediately, pulled out.

Part of the help I offered, included this:
I'll need photos of you and your men wearing the Armor of God--nothing else, just the Armor of God, so I can evaluate how well you wear it. Oil up before donning it if you can. It'll help me see the indentations the armor will make in your skin. It'll also help if you shave "down there" so I can gauge the Codpiece of Redemptive Anger's fit. I also hope you'll present your Staffs of Righteousness as rigidly as possible--it's kind of an aesthetic thing I like. Same goes for a bit of lipstick--adds a little color to all that flesh.
He responded and asked me to give him a call. I did. We talked for about ten minutes. I recorded it and made this video to share the conversation with my men.



Here are a few excerpts for those of you who are at work and can't listen.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: So you like the crusades, and you hope someday to take Jerusalem for the Christians?

Prince Shannon: I would absolutely like to do that, but we need to take America back first, here.

***

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: But you know there's something about when you get a group of men together, a group of men who all love the Lord and love the capitalist system and love America, love the America we want, that use to be. You get them together for a wrestlin' match, you know, get all oiled up and naked--just like our Spartan forefathers did. And you wrestle, you wrestle hard until one man submits when you drive your hard, rigid, shaft of glory deep into his cave of shame, and that is the bonding moment, the moment when the men come together and you become a unit.

Prince Shannon: Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

***

Prince Shannon: We just teamed up and joined with us a North Florida survival group militia. They found out about Right Wing, and they joined up with us too.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Do they have those ghillie suits, the ghillie suits like the snipers wear.

Prince Shannon: Yes. Yes.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: I love those so much.

Prince Shannon: Yeah, yeah...

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: You know, one thing about those ghillie suits, when you do shoot your pictures, and you do the part where I ask you to "shave down there." Collect all the clippings. I make ghille suits out of those.

Prince Shannon: Oh yeah, really. [nervous laugh] Wow. Cool.

***

Prince Shannon: You've asked for photos. Well, I'll tell you. we're spread out all across the United States and our members are as well.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Well, it's really the only way I can tell if you're wearing the Armor of God like it says in Ephesians 6.

Prince Shannon: Well, like I said, we take on the crusaders--that's the theme we have--and that's the kind of photos you're going to get from us, the white with the red cross.

***

Prince Shannon: ...we need to get together and have a national meeting, somewhere, with all the Christian militia groups in the United States, and there's quite a few of them, including Right Wing, including yourself.

***

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: Yeah, they don't know how to take on armor. What you gotta do is get a CCI .22 stinger in your rifle and you shoot right straight down the barrel. What that does is it compresses the [spent] uranium in the round, and it causes a small nuclear explosion and destroys the tank. People don't know that kind of stuff.

Prince Shannon: Yeah, I tell you. I don't know that kind of stuff.

***

Gen. JC Christian, patriot: And you just know he [Obama] is eating babies. You just know he is.

Prince Shannon: Yes. Yes. Yes.

***

Prince Shannon: I will support you guys, and I hope you will support us as well.


The Prince And I: My discussions with Prince Shannon
I write Prince Shannon
Calling Prince Shannon again.
Another email: A Fist full of Photos
Recording: Calling Shannon Carson again

12 comments:

  1. With Prince leading the way, we can't lose.

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  2. Prince Shannon kept talking about "restraining" his men. I liked that part a lot. It's almost scary how much I like that.

    I sure hope he sends pictures, too. Just a suggestion: if he could get some of his guys into rubber suits for the photo shoots I'm sure we could get a mighty fine recruitment poster out of the deal. Mighty fine. I get all turgified just thinking about it.

    ++++

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  3. "[nervous laughter] Wow. Cool."

    !!!!

    Awesome campaign, sir, General, sir.

    ReplyDelete
  4. General, Sir:

    Does a Prince outrank a General?

    Meanwhile, A little OT, but just a little, I am proudly wearing the armour of God as I write this. VERY liberating, I must say...

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  5. For illustration purposes in Teh Gen'l's video, I think there's a more appropriate knightly figure who exemplifies Prince Shannon. Sir Robin from the Khiniggits of Camelot, it is. The fighting cock on his shield exemplifies the courage that Prince Shannon showed in vowing to defend the Koo-ron burning. And I'm sure everyone knows this battle hymn that's perfect for the brave knightly Prince!

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  6. I don’t know how you pulled this off General. You’ll pardon the expression. Hilarious.

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  7. He must want to believe so much that he doesn't bother to, uh, look into the true nature of things. Which could be said about true believers in many areas. Not just the religulous of all stripes, but the politiculous, and the "of course my wife/husband lovesmelous"...

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  8. General, Sir:

    Your valiant effort to do in-depth exploration, repeatedly, of the likes of Princess Hanon is selfless self-abuse of a level I ain't seen since that documentary with the donkey and the congressman. If nothing else your astonishling defecation to this cause has revealed a glaring problem. The reason that Princess Hanon's Upthebummerfeuhrers KKKristian KKKommando will not be present at the Korean Burning event is that they are scattered all over the country. It's simple logistics. Most of them are already a significant strain on their mom's budgets, what with the Cheetos and Mountain Dew bills and the 24/7 HiDefCon4 Internetz toobz feeds and all. The plan to form a defensive perianalimiter around the Purification by Flame Committee on 9/12/10 would have broken the bank. They need fucking BUS FARE. Sir, can we have a fund raiser? I'll volunteer to deliver the money--cash only, please--servants of GOD do not like checks.

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  9. I hope they remember to wear their flame retarded suits.

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  10. To the General from Prince Shannon. General, I was caught off guard when you called and your hard to understand. As I listen to that call now and hear all what you said, you’re a sick twisted freak! How dare you play me like that in order to get your sick twisted thrills? Naked guys wrestling? What’s the matter with you? I thought it was odd but also give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe you were a patriot concerned about our nation as much as I am. Strange, but a patriot still. Now I think your just a sick wacko getting your thrills. Naked pics of my men? Why would you want that? When you said Armor of God, I was thinking you meant armor or something, costumes. But you literally meant naked men! Are you Insane or just a homosexual? Then you preach about a revival and Christ? You’re mad! And you say I made a rookie mistake? You just mocked a leader of patriots! A brother in Christ! Why would you do such a thing? Was this a set up or some sick joke?

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  11. EPIIIIIIC!

    (If it's real, and not just a pwn within a deke.

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.