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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Amazon Review: Chased by an Elephant

Update: Author's son is unhappy with my review.

It ain't easy being an author for The One True Church. Satan's minions are always gunning for you. That's certainly the case with Chased by an Elephant, an anti-homosexualist jeremiad written for Mormon children. Latter day Korihors are already attacking it in their blogs, and, as of now, I'm the only Amazon reviewer who gives it more than one star.

Please read my review. If you like it, please consider giving it your vote as "the most helpful favorable review." It'll give me a cushion should God command the Elders of Zion to write their own reviews.

4.0 out of 5 stars Where are our General Authorities?, October 11, 2010
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Chased by an Elephant (Paperback)
Although I applaud the author's effort to teach homosexualist children to despise themselves, I'm disappointed she didn't bring in the Church's big guns. She should have given the Prophet, Apostles, and other LDS general authorities their own characters in this book.

Imagine how much more the children would have been traumatized if Elder Boyd K Packer had been portrayed as an angry old baboon screeching at anyone who stared a little too long at his big, blood-red "rameumptum." Heck, she could have even had him eat a little homosexualist spider monkey to make sure the kids understand just how much they're hated.

The author also missed an opportunity to expose the real-life wickedness of the world's most homosexualist animals. Sure, I suppose a pair of elephants might get into a little same-sex trunk action every now and then, but I don't think such acts have been observed by scientists, missionaries, or even home teachers. She should have gone with bonobos or penguins or, better yet, juvenile bighorn rams--they've been observed forming homosexualist herds and licking each other's secret parts. They're a perfect target for a good Elder Packer tongue lashing.

But then, it may be enough that the author provides us with way to instill such virtues as shame, self-loathing, hatred, and bigotry in our children. That's why I'm giving this book four stars in spite of its shortcomings.

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  1. General, Sir:

    "Shortcomings"? Was that tongue in cheek?

    Sir, there are no atheists in foxholes, or at least no atheistogays in foxholes. Well, maybe there are but there sure aren't any atheistogays in foxholes who are more manly than that Matt Sanchez.

  2. Homophobes, you have no respect for the lives of our young gay people who were born this way. You will burn in the hell you fear for forcing these children to live in misery and shame. How dare you feed lies like this to young minds?

  3. But misery and shame are what made this country great!

  4. I applaud what the Mormonists are trying to do.
    We all know how the world is just slipping into the Great Satan's hand via liberalism. It became bad to hate black people. It became bad to hate orientalists. it became bad to show Russkies as automaton evilist communist fascists. We can't pick on the poor. We can't slander retards. Hell! they'll probably want us to treat Mexicans nice next!
    Have any of you, even for a second, thought about what would happen if we could't find a nice, easy xenophobic, bigoted view of another? society as we know it would fall. Just like that. God would forsake us and all hell would break loose if there was no-one to hate.

    Like the Catholics said 'Get 'em young'. This book is the first step to creating a perfect, permanent feedback loop. From a young age kids will be taught the Godly way of hating those different from ourselves. The gay kids will be providing society that scapegoat that will be the very glue that keeps society functioning!! Whilst they learn they are an abomination and live a life of self loathing & misery, they are in fact playing an important part.

    Bless the mormonists, we'll always be able to hate teh gays. They're doing so the whole world can join hands in peace, harmony & unity... in hating god-damned faggots!

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  6. General, Sir:

    Is, "Chased By An Elephant" better or worse than being, "Touched By An Angel" or a "BFBCHNGGIANG!!LC"*?

    *Butt Fucking By Completely Heterosesexual NOT GAY, GODDAMNIT, I
    NOT GAY!! Larry Craig.

  7. Is there anything more phallicly symbolic than an elephant's trunk? Other than a phallus, of course. It's long, it spurts things, it flexes and uncoils and waves its grey obscene-ness around in plain sight at the zoo... It's a regular puppetry of the pachyderm. If Christians don't start demanding that elephants' trunks be covered with pants in every American zoo, can an epidemic of man-on-elephant sex be far behind?

  8. This really was a helpful review! And I absolutely love the blatant disregard for political correctness--so refreshing. People who are going to write angry comments like the one above just because they are mad that you gave the book 4 stars really need to read the review first lol! It's an interesting experiment in sociology.

  9. I don't see what the up roar is about, Gays have always been here, ever since the Bible exposed them as Sodom-mites . If I am not mistaken an American Citizen has the freedom of religion, being Gay is a form of religion, and for those who are lost in transition of words, Religion is so: the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices. Now Christian Believe in Jesus Christ and follow him, “to the best of their ability of course” See when a gay author writes a book about boy's screwing boy's, and girls playing with plastic toys with other girls, and it's sold all over the world, no one go crazy, and said hate homos, and accuse homos of hate crimes, “Grow the hell up” and were going to boycott all stores that sell these books, no I don’t think so. We know that your here with us on the earth. People have a choice to read it or not, no one put a gun to your head , and said read this or die, come on now. This just shows how weak minded people have become, even in their own religious belief. Just because the Koran exist, I should go crazy an have a fit, scream, yell and kick, and attack all Koran readers. This is their Religious Beliefs not mine. See I have family members that are gay, but because he shows up at thanksgiving dinner wearing high heels, I slap him in the face, and say your not gay, no I am just thankful he showed up, even in his heels, yes I don't like it, it's not my job to like it, that GODS job, but in the end we still have to live here together. People can talk, but you don't have to listen, If you let people get to you, your the only one who loses, because you have no self control.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.