Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Friday, October 01, 2010

The Opinuary Column

Bless the Little Children
Keep them Round and Clean
Show them what's Acceptable
And Say just What you Mean!
The time is right to Ladle Them
With stories from the Right
Jack may Chop a Beanstalk
But it's Taxes that we Fight!

If the March Hare comes Along
Fretting about Time
Disabuse the Rodent Thus:
Why, Democracy's a Crime!
The few are being Punished
For the Billions that they've Made!
They are the Backbone of the State
They're how Dross and Dreck get Paid!
Why on Earth should They Give More
Little Children, do be Brave
You must Know, Within your Bones
The Rich Must Now Be Saved!

Come to the Tea Party! dear, dear Ones
Come eat Cookies and Drink Punch
If you will do a Kindness There
We may just give you Lunch!
Oh, tell your Friends, bring them All!
A Nation will be Proud
You are the Army of the Rich
It's Time you Sang out Loud:

"Banish all the Socialists!
The Lazy Health Care Fiends!
Vote against your Interests
Give us your Magic Beans!
Keep God and Country Uppermost
And hang on to your Purity!
It may just come in Handy
When you've lost Social Security!
Remember that the War is Good
Whichever War is Going
Debt that comes from Killing Others
Is like the Wind that's Blowing"

The Mad Hatter and the Dormouse
And the March Hare all Agreed
They had drunk from all the Cups
It was Time to take a Pee
But just when they were Ready
With Pantaloons Unclasped
They found their Reach Exceeded
The Thing they call Their Grasp
And Bladders cannot hold Forever
No Matter what your Stance
Tea Parties start with Laughter
By the End You've Pissed Your Pants



  1. Wow. The teabaggers got the history of the Boston Tea Party wrong. Color me shocked.

  2. Mr. MJS, Sir:

    Is it true that the Teabagginist Colouring Book is all in black & white--without no gray shading? That's what I heard.

    I was talking to a couple of guys I know yesterday and one of them said that he would be voting for KKKarl Paladino for NY's next governator, 'cuz Andrew Cuomo, that other commie Cuomo's son is all about becoming governor just so's he can run for higher office--and he's a thief and a bum and a, and a, and--meanwhile KKKarl P. is salt of the earth (mixed with a good deal of racist sKKKum, but hey you can't make no omelet without breakin' heads) USA! USA!! USA!!!

  3. Excellent, as always, MJS.

    Elsewhere, get your Sarah Palin “Going Rouge” coloring book here.

  4. I grew up on coloring books (as I spelled the word as a young American boy.) Only, they were war coloring books, with Mustangs shooting ME-109s out of the flak-spattered sky, and muscular Marines bayonetting bespectacled Nips. My red crayons were always the shortest, even the time I got one of the 64-Crayola boxes for Christmas.

    I think these pale, placid versions won't get much kid participation. They need more Revolutionary War patriots coming back to live and running swords through an evil President Bone-in-Nose.

  5. I cannot read this post. It is written using those blocky collections of words that my communist high school teachers were always insisting were beautiful and full of meaning.

  6. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Two things.

    A.) I rilly, rilly, love your terse lokacashusness and your rimming skills with words that don't.

    3.) In the General's absence I've been advised by Shelia the Morale Sheep that I should talk to you about a small problem--no,not that one--Shelia is selfless in that regard. It's just that, well, the General being so busy and all he just forgets to take care of some business at times. I have not got one of my remittance checks since, well, not recently like. I hate to bother you, but since you're using his bully pulpit to not be a bully'n'all, maybe you could just go into the messhall and dig to the bottom of the buckwheat groats barrel in the pantry and send me oneathem little Crown Royal velvet sacks that are at the bottom. Don't bother to open it, I'll accept that it's not been tampered with. Please send it, by courier to my office in Las Vegas--I have certain losses to recoup--and either Concierge Vinny or Guido the Accountant will sign for it. Thanks, you're a peach.

  7. democommie: I am flattered by your request. However, I sort of lost track of time when you mentioned the Crown Royal sack, which is code for The King's Skin Purse (unless I am horribly mistaken, even though being horribly mistaken is rather thrilling). You shall have to find another account to withdraw from--have you considered following Palin's bus around? I have heard she blows her nose on fives and tens, and wipes her ass with twenties!


  8. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Otoh, my heart is broken at that news that the Crown Royal bag is not available. However, we soldier on. I will take your advice and follow that bus--and pray that the Cariboob gets aholt to some bad moosetacos.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.