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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

And God smote the wicked, but fashionably feathered, birds

Prophet Cindy Jacobs
Generals International

Dear Prophet Cindy,

It's a shame so many people laugh at you, but I suppose that's a trial all prophets must undergo. Still, one would think your Highway of Holiness initiative would have swayed a few of the unbelievers. Perhaps all those demons you exorcised from patrons of homosexualist bars along I-35 just jumped into someone else.

Or maybe they possessed the bodies of birds. Your latest prophecy--God smote those birds in Arkansas because He was angry about the repeal of the military's 'Don't ask; Don't Tell' policy--suggests that might be the case. Why else would He choose birds for an old fashioned smiting when He could have destroyed a city with a natural disaster?

There's a precedent in Mark 5:1-20. Remember how Jesus exorcised a sailor and cast the demons into a herd of pigs. The possessed pigs immediately committed suicide by jumping off a cliff into the sea. That scared the shit out of the locals, andthey asked Jesus to leave (Mark 5:17).

I'm thinking that's what happened here. Your Highway of Holiness initiative caused a bunch of homosexualist demons to posses the bodies of birds. God, remembering the reaction He got the last time He allowed demons to possess animals, protected the birds for awhile, preventing them from committing suicide.

But as time passed, the birds began to irritate God by chirping the melodies of showtunes and experimenting with new ways to display their feathers. So ,when DADT repeal passed, He finally had an excuse to smite them, and that's what He did.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and non-avian kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

01-05-11 GI News from Generals International on Vimeo.


  1. General, Sir:

    Is it still, "birds of a feather flock together"; I mean are they ONLY flocking or is there some other stuff going on? Y'know before Shelia the Morale Sheep came along, there was some chickens that used to come in handy over to "Feelin' Good Gents' Club" between paydays, but I'm pretty sure they wuz all hens or at least capons.

  2. The Horror, The Horror.

  3. It is a well known fact that gay bars are always warm in winter & cool in summer because of the insulation of dead birds on the roof.

  4. Were the show tunes from Bye Bye Birdie?

  5. I'm thinking of the famous rotund director with a rather not-heterosexual last name and his movie about ominous Fowl...

  6. Guess she misunderstood the true meaning behind "La Cage Aux Folles."

  7. If I was God -- instead of just somebody that He Talks To, a lot -- I'd show my anger over the repeal of the "Don't Ask Me If I'm a Homosexualist, and I Won't Tell You What I Want To Do To You In The Barracks Shower" rule by conjuring up a flock of pigeons to poop on the Pentagon. A really big flock; something they'd need to use anti-aircraft missiles to disperse. That'd show 'em.

  8. What Bukko said, except, excuse me, I would be Goddess !

  9. You're already a goddess, gorgeous!

  10. Fact: if you think of falafel while masturbating thousands of FOX viewers start shitting in their jammies--yes, its true that the FOX demographic is such that its viewing audience is predisposed to shitting itself, but does it make it any more acceptable? Part of the Purity Test for Tea Partiers is the appearance of C Diff in the day room snack bowls.

  11. Why would I want "News" from something apparently called "Gastrointestinal News"? Or is there a different interpretation of "GI News"...?

  12. God was probably just tired of the birds reminding him of the lack of real quality choreography to go with the showtunes any more. It's come down to this: He is going to have to resurrect Bob Fosse.

    Look for birds to become edgy with tightly wound, precise moves when whistling those showtunes.

    Hey, maybe God is gay and when the Bible says, many are called but few are chosen, he's talking about orientation.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.