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Friday, January 07, 2011

When the Spirit Moves You

Mrs. Pastor Steven L. (Zsuzsanna) Anderson
Quiver Provisioner
Pastors Wife, Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Mrs Pastor Anderson,

Congratulations on the new addition to the family. I bet you can't wait until little Anna learns her first words so she can start complaining about the "faggots" with her brothers.

You're obviously a great parent, but something you wrote in your last post has me a little concerned. You said that you were proud that your kids didn't puke after attending church. You seemed sure that they would--you gave them each a bowl to throw up in when you tucked them into bed--but they didn't, and that made you happy.

That's just wrong. I've seen Pastor Anderson's sermons on YouTube and they make me puke like Hell. It's the power of the Holy Spirit that does it. You hear good preachin' and the spirit fills you until you start puking like the apostles after a big water-into-wine party. It's either that or talking in tongues.

Sometimes it's both--the Holy Spirit moves you to barf in tongues. Bile shoots out your nose and makes this whistling sound. I once heard an Independant Baptist preacher barf out the melody to Hava Nagila while he was filled with the Holy Spirit. Now, that was some barfing in tongues.

Heterosexually yours in a non-quiver-filling-wanting kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Praise be!! Is Pasta Anderson the antidote to the fatness I gained as a dirty public-beer drinking PZ Myers listening atheist?
    Can I hurl my guts up with the power of the holy spirit? Can I chunder with the love of Jesus? Will I blow chunks for God? Will the spew of hate be ejected from my body, and contain the carrots of eternal grace?
    Where are the videos. I've moved the laptop next to the toilet bowl of redemption.

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  3. Pastor Angryson's sermons have a similar effect on me, only the spiritual effluence occurs lower down in my pants.

  4. Dunno about you, General, but I’m a wee bit Stevie’s kids are getting. In amidst the list is “DNA/genetics.” Start delving too far in there, and you bump up against – gasp – evolution.

    Good thing our Zssuzzy doesn’t like to teach reading:

    To be honest, teaching a child to read is one of my least favorite homeschooling tasks. It is so tedious, and plain boring.

    Let’s hope she concentrates more on keeping the young’uns from blowing chunks under the covers and less on reading Darwin.

  5. I agree, MOJoe. No good ever came from reading, thus I choose to stay entirely illiterate.
    If God wants to tell me something, he'll either talk to me directly or get Pat Robertson to tell me.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.