Wisconsin Division of Environmental and Regulatory Services
cc: Gov. Scott Walker
Governor, State of Wisconsin
Dear Mr. Deschane,
Congratulations for receiving a 26% pay raise just two months into your job. Gov. Walker must really appreciate the effort you're making to give you such a bump when he's working so hard to cut teacher and public employee salaries.
Unfortunately, many working people (or, as we like to call them, "limited cost resources") are jealous of your $81.5K salary. They're complaining that you're not up to the job. Citing your youth, your lack of a college education and any real-world work experience, as well as your aptitude for drunk driving, they're suggesting that you don't have the needed experience to serve as one of the state's chief regulators.
Of course, they ignore your most important qualification: your father's ability to donate to Gov. Walker's campaigns. Given your other qualifications, that's the best $121.7K your dad ever spent. But more important than that, its an example of how free market principles can be applied to government to make your life better--you're living the new American dream, my friend.
That's not to say that your other major qualification won't serve you well. The ability to pass out, face down, on various lawns and bushes should give you an edge as an environmental regulator.
I doubt EPA Administrator Lisa P. Jackson has ever regained consciousness with a hunk of grass stuck to her eye, a centipede crawling up her nose, and the words "pig fucker" emblazoned across her forehead in indelible ink, nor has she exterminated an invasive beetle species using a 60% alcohol solution suspended in vomit. You certainly have the edge there.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot