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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I knows the tongues

End Times Enthusiast

Dear Mr. 888,

Your website reveals you to be a true expert in regard to the End Times. You have a keen understanding of the danger the new world order poses. You've identified implantable microchips for what they truly are: the Mark of the Beast. And, perhaps most importantly, you aren't fooled by those who are making preparations to repackage the Rapture as some kind of wild alien probing party.

But as knowledgeable as you are about God's word, you don't know jack about speaking God's love language. I know. I've watched your "Speaking in Tongues" video on GodTube, and God gave me the ability to interpret it.

You begin your demonstration with the words:
Shaata l'taya mendeyundah mooshka butunia kunii etay. Ladia kasheki leshkuski besoombatu lakendlalia betellaliaboshikutoo. Mendukatiyah lakooshi leteta lekeshundali lepundya.
When translated from Adamic to English it becomes:
Oh beautiful and luscious casaba melon hole. Upon my rigid man-sword, thrust down hard. Let me stir your glorious pulp.
It's that second sentence that's the problem. It's blasphemous. It's immoral. It suggests that you are assuming a submissive role in your relation ship with the melon. You need to drop the word "ladia" (upon) and replace "leshkuski" (thrust) with "leshkuskoo"(thrusts). I'd also replace "besoombatuo" (man-sword) with "pompatus" (big honking man-cannon)--it sounds a lot better that way.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General, Sir:

    You're the reason I read this blog every day, twice on Sundays.

    I never knowed that Steve Miller was speakin' in tongues:

    "Some people call me the space cowboy yeah
    Some call me the gangster of love
    Some people call me Maurice
    Cause' I speak of the pompatous of love"

    Mr. 888 is like what 1/3 more better than Mr. 666?

  2. I for 1 don't care what's scrolling off Mr. 888's tongue. I want to know what Teh Donaldtrump tongues about! His words are powerful enough to make Teh Obamagozer release his "birth certificate" (or an amateurish forgery thereof.)

    I'm glad that all the teevee networks have been breathlessly bringing us news about this for two weeks, because I don't want to hear about any of the three wars Amerikkka is fighting, or the details of what LeakiWiks has revealed about the Moozlum tortureprisons, or any of that bad economic junk. More birth certificate coverage, please!

    Plus I hear that there's some sort of wedding involving a real PRINCE coming up soon. It's on all the channels. I'm looking for one that will broadcast the wedding with anchors that speak in Biblical gibberish.

  3. General, Sir:

    I think comrade commenter Canukko has hit on something. Since Mr. MJS, Sir, is not doing his friday's gig anymore, could we haz LOLZ Birf Certificates on friday?

  4. SSSSSH Demo! Don't you know that if you make a suggestion in this Gen'l's Army, you might find yourself "volunteered" for duty? Got mad Photoshop skilz, brother?

  5. Bukko Canukko:

    Mad Photoshop skilz? No. But I got Mad Donutshop skilz, fer sure.

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.