Founder and President
Media Research Center
Dear Mr. Bozell,
As you may be aware, a Hebrew journalist recently unearthed the very nails used to affix Our Lord and Savior to the cross. The journalist, Simcha Jacobovici, found them in an ossuary buried within a tomb belonging to the Sanhedrin priest, Caiaphas--the same Kenyan who delivered our sweet Jesus into the hands of the Italians.
I've done a little research into the find and have come to a rather startling conclusion: J.Crew killed our Lord after failing to transgenderizie him with hot pink nail polish.
My first clue came from the priest's name "Caiaphas." Roughly translated from Kenyan, it means "Jenna, mother of Beckett"--the same names of the mother and child featured in your J.Crew Action Alert.
Secondly, a close examination of the nails reveals flecks of J.Crews hot pink nail polish on one and an image of the Antichrist on the other. I've included my analysis below.
What other explanation can there be other than that J.Crew painted Jesus' nails hot pink, and when that failed to turn him into Jesusina, they crucified him.
I think another action alert is in order.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot