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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

J.Crew Affronts God Again

Brent Bozell
Founder and President
Media Research Center

Dear Mr. Bozell,

As you may be aware, a Hebrew journalist recently unearthed the very nails used to affix Our Lord and Savior to the cross. The journalist, Simcha Jacobovici, found them in an ossuary buried within a tomb belonging to the Sanhedrin priest, Caiaphas--the same Kenyan who delivered our sweet Jesus into the hands of the Italians.

I've done a little research into the find and have come to a rather startling conclusion: J.Crew killed our Lord after failing to transgenderizie him with hot pink nail polish.

My first clue came from the priest's name "Caiaphas." Roughly translated from Kenyan, it means "Jenna, mother of Beckett"--the same names of the mother and child featured in your J.Crew Action Alert.

Secondly, a close examination of the nails reveals flecks of J.Crews hot pink nail polish on one and an image of the Antichrist on the other. I've included my analysis below.

What other explanation can there be other than that J.Crew painted Jesus' nails hot pink, and when that failed to turn him into Jesusina, they crucified him.

I think another action alert is in order.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Sir General Sir:

    Good to know sir...
    Uh huh...
    Righty roo...

    How do we use this against the dumocrats who are trying to balance the budget by raising the tax rate against good christian corporate entities who don't exist?

    Just asking...

  2. General Sir!

    I think you are on the right track, but may have had Satan hide the truth from you.

    Jesus DID paint his nails pink -- but they happened to be these nails. Once those skirt wearing Sanhedrin saw that he had divine mastery of the chromatic scale as manifested in these holy relics, they knew they could not compete, even if they were simply fabulous and he was just a sweaty carpenter.

    When they were done with their prophesied deed, they rubbed the nails with polish remover and bent them into misshapen pegs - hoping they were unrecognizable!

    It was just like when JonBenet Ramsey was more beautiful than the rest of the gussied up tiara toddlers. Something had to be done.

    Now, the truth has been discovered! By extracting and testing the DNA left in these nails, we can prove once and for all that Jesus was his own ancestor and therefore NOT gay! Q.E.D. Muthaf*ckahs!!

  3. Holy Cow!
    Clearly, the evidence that not only are these crucifixion nails, but specifically Jesus' are irrefutable. It is simply beyond question.
    Now, if there is DNA left on the nails, the I'm thinking we have a perfection chance to create a new Jesus. Even Jesii! (Is that the plural?). Remember, they did it with dinosaurs on that island? They were nearly 6000 years old, so if they can do it with DNA that old, it'd be a cinch to recreate the Son of God from only 2000 years ago. We could then just ASK the guy what Jesus would do.

  4. As soon as I get back to a country where the video stores rent movies in English, I intend to check out Mel Brooks' -- no, wait, it was Mel GIBSON'S -- "Bashin' of the Christ" flick -- a historically accurate represenation! -- and scrutinize it frame by frame to look for those pink toneys.

  5. First question to ask Jurassic Jesus:
    Why were your toesies pink?
    Second question to ask Jurassic Jesus:
    Is Pat Robertson really just a nutjob?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.