T. Boone Pickens Fellow
Vice President of Business & Culture
Media Research Center
Dear Mr. Gainor,
Yesterday, I wrote your boss, L Brent Bozell III, about my concerns that toleranceofascists have infiltrated your staff.
I became suspicious after seeing your Action Alert about J.Crew. You missed important messages about uteri ownership, public radio, homosexualism, and Kenya that were hidden within the J.Crew advertisement.
I suspected that you may have missed them intentionally and advised Mr. Bozell to examine your toenails for the hot pink nail polish featured in the ad.
I got little sleep last night, because I couldn't stop thinking about your feet. Every time I closed my eyes, I imagined the soft curve of your arch, the manly bow of your heel, and the possibilities in regard to the length and girth of each of your toes. It was very disturbing to me, but it was also somehow very exciting at the same time.
This morning, I knelt down and asked the Lord what it all meant. A still small voice from somewhere deep inside me answered immediately. It told me that I should volunteer to inspect your toes, because, to be credible, it needs to be conducted by someone who is not affiliated with the Media Research Center.
So, let's do it. Send me photos of your feet. I'll need to check them closely for signs of polish removal, so please send high resolution pics I can enlarge.
It'd also help me if you wear black, open-toed, stiletto heels to provide perspective and contrast. Please also position your feet so there's a little space--just a little smaller than the diameter of a vienna sausage--between them. I'll need that for uh, some, uh, visualization exercises--it's all very technical.
Send me the photos by email immediately so we can clear this up as soon as possible.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
p.s. Photos of your calves lying across a watermelon would be helpful as well.