T. Boone Pickens Fellow
Vice President of Business & Culture
Media Research Center
Dear Mr. Gainor,
Yesterday, I wrote your boss, L Brent Bozell III, about my concerns that toleranceofascists have infiltrated your staff.I became suspicious after seeing your Action Alert about J.Crew. You missed important messages about uteri ownership, public radio, homosexualism, and Kenya that were hidden within the J.Crew advertisement.
I suspected that you may have missed them intentionally and advised Mr. Bozell to examine your toenails for the hot pink nail polish featured in the ad.
I got little sleep last night, because I couldn't stop thinking about your feet. Every time I closed my eyes, I imagined the soft curve of your arch, the manly bow of your heel, and the possibilities in regard to the length and girth of each of your toes. It was very disturbing to me, but it was also somehow very exciting at the same time.
This morning, I knelt down and asked the Lord what it all meant. A still small voice from somewhere deep inside me answered immediately. It told me that I should volunteer to inspect your toes, because, to be credible, it needs to be conducted by someone who is not affiliated with the Media Research Center.
So, let's do it. Send me photos of your feet. I'll need to check them closely for signs of polish removal, so please send high resolution pics I can enlarge.
It'd also help me if you wear black, open-toed, stiletto heels to provide perspective and contrast. Please also position your feet so there's a little space--just a little smaller than the diameter of a vienna sausage--between them. I'll need that for uh, some, uh, visualization exercises--it's all very technical.
Send me the photos by email immediately so we can clear this up as soon as possible.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
p.s. Photos of your calves lying across a watermelon would be helpful as well.
Genreral, Sir:
ReplyDeleteBegging your pardon, but "Vienna" sausuage. I'm sorry, Sit, but I done some checkin' and what you really want to use is 1 to 1 1/2" length of "Slim Jim"(TM). Not only is it closer to the actual girth and length, it's also rigid and pre-lubed.
Just one other thing, Sir.
"Calves lying across a watermelon"? What, they gotta have calves? The likes of Sheliah the Morale Ewe ain't good enough for 'em?
I usedta be ashamed of my toes. The cracked nails, splotchy patches of blackish fungus, the long jaggedy edges they have... When a man develops a... let's call it a "banker's stomach" -- it makes it hard to reach down there and trim the little devils.
ReplyDeleteAnd it always seemed tehghey to me to go to a pediacuralist to have them done. Except for this one time in Thailand, where you could pay these TWO sisters to do it at once, where one was holding the toenail clippers while the other was... well, some acts are best left undescribed, and they swore they were older than 16 anyhoo.
Ennyway, I've been too embare-assed to go bare-toed, so's I always wear black socks with my sandals. But now that I know that fugly toes are next to manliness, I'm going to let 'em show. And if you get extra points for stink, my toes are gonna be a 9 on the scale of manly gender. (They woulda been a 10 except for the one that got shredded with tne LawnBoy incident.)