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Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Beelzebub's Bangles

Often, while watching KSL's Dick Nourse deliver a story about a willful woman on the nightly news, my grandmother and mother would recite one of their favorite scriptures, 2 Nephi 3:16-17:
16 Moreover, the Lord saith: Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched-forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet

17 Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts.
Mormon Apostle, Elder David A. Bednar, refers to one of these "haughty women of Zion" in this tale of love and sacrifice:
Sister Bednar and I are acquainted with a returned missionary who had dated a special young woman for a period of time. This young man cared for the young woman very much, and he was desirous of making his relationship with her more serious. He was considering and hoping for engagement and marriage. Now this relationship was developing during the time that President Hinckley counseled the Relief Society sisters and young women of the Church to wear only one earring in each ear.

The young man waited patiently over a period of time for the young woman to remove her extra earrings, but she did not take them out. This was a valuable piece of information for this young man, and he felt unsettled about her nonresponsiveness to a prophet’s pleading. For this and other reasons, he ultimately stopped dating the young woman, because he was looking for an eternal companion who had the courage to promptly and quietly obey the counsel of the prophet in all things and at all times. The young man was quick to observe that the young woman was not quick to observe.
Obviously the young woman was a filthy whore. Brother LaMar, LaVere, LaDell, LaVene (or whatever his name is) is lucky to be rid of her. He's now free to find a god-fearing sister who is happy to submit herself to the firm counsellings of the priesthood.

A tip of the ol' helmet to Sister Hanson.


  1. Doe Elder Bednar have an anal bead maximum? I was thinking of getting a subprime loan for some property on Kolob, and would hate to get that one wrong. Hey, that reminds me of a bedtime rhyme my Obedient Mother used to recite to me:

    Hie thee to the nethers
    Hie thee to the moon
    Hie thee unto Kolob
    You really are a loon
    You don't need Zoloft on Kolob
    You don't need thunder or rain
    Just bring the wives you've counted
    As the rest go down the drain

  2. Fer sher a decent not-man doesn't get more than one piercing of her ears, and certainly not of her nose or belly button or some other button where no needle-wielding "artiste" should EVER touch her. (Unless he's the man her father has given her to in marriage.)

    No, Godly girls get tattooed. But not on their arms where people can see it and know she's wanton! They do it in the "tramp stamp" place above their rounded melons of shame, so their hetted-up hubby can look at it while he flips her over to, ummmm, I think you know what I'm driving at.

  3. The Lord will discover their secret parts?

    Wasn't the LORD s'posed ta be the original designer, engineer, an manufacturer of the original secret parts? Does he gotta bad memory?
    Or do sasssy women just get him really hot? (A'course it'd totally be their own fault if they got what they was askin' for.) Do they get a lot a virgin births in Utah?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.