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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Desecrating America's Most Holy and Sacred Symbol

The Midnight Rider, USMC/SS
Warrior of Yahweh
CEO, Silver Bullet Gun Oil

Dear Mr. Rider,

I expected better of you. By all appearances you seem to be a true patriot. You wear camo constantly. You drive a camouflaged car. You hate the brown and unJesused. Your walls are decorated with strings of flags. You call yourself a "Warrior [and Servant] of Yahweh." And you use the image of dark knight holding a bloody axe as your avatar. It's all there. Heck, for a moment I thought you might even be a Tea Party leader.

But, you're anything but a patriot. You make your living by desecrating our nation's most holy and sacred symbol, the firearm, by selling a gun lubricant made from pig fat.

Your sales pitch is devious. You claim (using the compelling random caps style so favored by America's greatest patriots) your Silver Bullet Gun Oil will deny Heaven to any infidel we shoot:
The oil is applied to the inside of the barrel of any firearm or weapons system. When fired, BULLETS are coated with SILVER BULLET GUN OIL containing the PIG FAT. The PIG FAT is transferred to anything the BULLETS STRIKE. The coating of OIL CONTAINING PIG FAT effectively DENIES entry to Allah's Paradise...
In truth, the only thing your gun oil accomplishes is to make our beloved firearms less attractive. After all, who in God's name wants to sleep with a rifle that smells like rancid pork? Think about it. How many prostate massages would it take before a Second-Amendment-revering patriot would begin to smell like a Topeka slaughterhouse? Two? Three?

Admit it. You're attempting to do nothing less than break that loving, sacred bond between a man and his firearm.

Next, you'll be torching the holy cloth we fly above our courthouses.

You sir, are the worst variety of scum. I pray that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, roasts you slowly over the fires of Hell.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.