Vinylsexual Demons Ripped My Soul

Edwin Tobergta has a problem:

Tobergta was arrested after being spotted naked and having sex with the [swimming pool] raft. This was not the first inflatable vixen that led Togergta astray.

Tobergta has been convicted several times for public indecency, including a 2002 incident involving sex with a four-foot inflatable Halloween pumpkin.

I understand the shame and pain Mr. Tobergta must be undergoing. Back in 2004, I confessed to the same sin in a letter to the American Family Association's Ed Vitagliano:

I should have been tipped off by my own reactions to it [the movie, "A Shark's Tale"]: the way I kept touching myself throughout the film; how I bought an inflatable shark afterward and violated it repeatedly until it was little more than a sticky, shredded, sheet of vinyl...

Sadly, Brother Vitagliano did not respond with an offer to free me from the grips of my vinylsexual demon. Instead, he taunted me:

I hope you enjoyed your vinyl shark...Enjoy your vinyl Santa this holiday season!

To which I responded:

I was unable to enjoy my inflatable shark due to the extreme guilt I felt throughout our brief fling. I knew in my heart that it was an unholy paring, a relationship that could not be blessed in the eyes of God. I tried to find a biblical justification for it, but no matter how hard I looked, I always ended up at Leviticus 11:10 which calls scaleless fish, "an abomination."

I knew deep down inside that it was a doomed relationship. I understood that God would not allow it to continue for very long--as the commander of a Christian militia, I am supposed to be an example to the men under me. That's why he caused my little soldier to work his way into my beloved vinyl helpmeet's seam.

There is one thing I can't deny. For a very brief period, the fraction of a second before the air escaped trough the gaps between the torn vinyl and my Private Johnson, I felt a joy unmatched by any other in my entire life. It was almost worth it.

I say "almost," because in the final analysis, I had sinned. It took me many trips to the man in Seattle who spanks people for money before I felt that I had been appropriately punished for my transgression, but my redemption is finally complete. I know that God has forgiven me, and I stand spotless before Him.

But now you come along, tempting me with tales of inflatable vinyl Santas. All I can say to you is, "get thee away from me, foul temptress.

With the help of Marcus Bachmann's books, I eventually freed myself from the vinylsexual lifestyle--it's been weeks since that last incident with "Pokey" the inflatable pig--but Ed continued writing me, berating me for what he called my "sad vinyl fetish" and mocking me for thinking "spotted dick" was was something you'd only find at Neverland Ranch.