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Friday, December 10, 2004

Ed stokes the fires of my lost love

Ed's response to my letter to him about Lenny, the effeminate, alienated, vegetarian, and therefore obviously homosexual, shark.

From: Ed Vitagliano
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Subject: Re: The shark of temptation

Thanks so much, Herr General, for that classy reply. I hope you enjoyed your vinyl shark. I suppose the secular writers (and those whose comments I could not fit into the story) were ALL wrong to see the same, quite obvious subtext, just as I did? I mean, come on! The Village Voice? Not exactly a right-wing rag, now is it?

Thanks! Enjoy your vinyl Santa this holiday season!


Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano

Thank you for responding to my email.

I was unable to enjoy my inflatable shark due to the extreme guilt I felt throughout our brief fling. I knew in my heart that it was an unholy paring, a relationship that could not be blessed in the eyes of God. I tried to find a biblical justification for it, but no matter how hard I looked, I always ended up at Leviticus 11:10 which calls scaleless fish, "an abomination."

I knew deep down inside that it was a doomed relationship. I understood that God would not allow it to continue for very long--as the commander of a Christian militia, I am supposed to be an example to the men under me. That's why he caused my little soldier to work his way into my beloved vinyl helpmeet's seam.

There is one thing I can't deny. For a very brief period, the fraction of a second before the air escaped trough the gaps between the torn vinyl and my Private Johnson, I felt a joy unmatched by any other in my entire life. It was almost worth it.

I say "almost," because in the final analysis, I had sinned. It took me many trips to the man in Seattle who spanks people for money before I felt that I had been appropriately punished for my transgression, but my redemption is finally complete. I know that God has forgiven me, and I stand spotless before Him.

But now you come along, tempting me with tales of inflatable vinyl Santas. All I can say to you is, "get thee away from me, foul temptress."

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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