Columnist, The Daily Caller
Author, "A Tremor of Bliss"
Dear Mr. Judge,
I'm very sorry that your bicycle was stolen. I read your column in the Daily Caller, "The End of My White Guilt" and I understand why you believe that the denizens of the unheatlandishly hued neighborhoods surrounding "Little Rome" invaded the large Catholic enclave and kifed your Schwinn.
But I think you're ignoring the obvious. The bike was parked in an area bounded by the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, Catholic University, the Little Sisters of the Poor, the Dominican House of Studies, and numerous good, Catholic homes. Isn't it more likely that a gang of Irish Catholics stole your bike. You watch television. You've seen movies like "The Town." You know how they are when they've had a few drinks--ain't nothing safe from their thieving hands. But then again, how could the drunken bastards ride off on it without falling off every few feet.
It's even more likely your bike was stolen by a ring of degenerate priests. I may even have evidence. Take a look at the enclosed photo. Is that your bicycle seat those priests are sniffing? Could they have possibly mistaken it for a boy's bike?
I was raised by god-fearing Conservative parents who taught me to respect the Catholic Church--there was very little "Whore of Babylon" talk in my house. Heck, my favorite movie growing up was "Boys Town." I was envious of all the love those young boys received from Father Flannagan.
But then, I grew up and learned that a whole lot of Father Flannagans loved a whole lot of boys, over and over again, generation after generation. I tried to resist blaming all Catholics for the sins of thousands of priests, bishops, and cardinals, but then I caught a priest licking his lips while he looked at my butt. That was the end of my Protestant guilt.
Let me know if that's your bike. If so, I'll tell you how I found the photo.
Gem. JC Christian, patriot