Gordon James Klingenschmitt, Chaplain, USN (ret)
Dear Chaplain Klingenschmitt,
Secularistoslamists, the gay, and other unwitting tools of the radical vegetarian movement are openly mocking your recent statement about homosexualist demonic possession of animals. This is the kind of ridicule that can destroy a man and a movement. You must rebut them quickly or you will soon become a laughingstock.
I think I can help you. For years, uh, a friend, yeah a friend, of mine and his dog, Butch, have played this game where my friend packs his cave of shame with chunky peanut butter and lets 'ol Butch dig at it with his long, warm dog tongue. There's nothing sexual about it. I mean, it's not like I'm a pervert. Rick Santorum seems to be OK with it--at least he didn't tell me to stop. It just feels so damned good, and man, Butch really likes rooting around in there--it's like he's tonguing the marrow out of a bone.
Anyway, our little peanut butter game turned ugly after the OBAMUNIST USURPER came out in favor of homosexualist marriage. Butch was sitting there in front of the teevee when the OBAMUNIST USURPER said it, and I fear his words prompted demons to seize my little doggy's will.
Now, the game doesn't end with a smoke and a cuddle after the last peanut fragment is excavated. Instead, Butch mounts me, I mean my friend, and goes to town with his newly acquired homosexual lifestyle. There's nothing I can do about it, because Butch's demon freezes the muscles of my body and makes me howl delightfully.
Please use this story as evidence that you're statement about homosexualist demonic possession of animals is true. Just leave the names out of it for Butch's and my friend's sake.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot