"Worse Than The...Church Paedophilia Scandal"

Der Pöpenführer is under attack. Sensitive documents stolen from the Most Holy and Sacred Pad of The Immaculate, but most Certainly Hetero and Celibate, Bachelor (MHSPICHCB) and various Vatican offices found their way into a new book about power struggles in the Holy See. This assault against Der Pöpenfüher is said to be so fierce, one Vatican insider described it as "even worse than the storm caused by the Church paedophilia scandal."

One of the first victims of the scandal was Gian Maria Vian, the editor of the official Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, whose reputation was besmirched by accusations he had leaked documents revealing a rival editor, Dino Boffo, to be a homosexualist. The Vatican responded by calling the charge that Vian had leaked the documents, "spurious and groundless," and noting that "The Holy Father Benedict XVI deplores these unjustified and offensive attacks." The Holy Ghost, however, fired Mr Boffo for his lack of commitment to the heterosexualist lifestyle.

Other leaked documents are purported to expose corruption and mismanagement at the Vatican Bank, whose president, Ettore Gotti Tedeschi, suddenly resigned last week, a €10,000 Papal Audience Fee, a half million Euro nativity scene, and the gift of a €100,000 hunk of precious fungi procured for Der Pöpenführer.

Perhaps the greatest Papal betrayal came from a man very close to His Holiness, his manservant, Paolo Gabriele. The Swiss Guard is holding him in a Vatican prison cell for stealing documents from the MHSPICHCB. Der Pöpenführer is said to be "particularly hurt with regard to...Gabriele, who he was close to, who he knew, loved and respected."

Others are concerned that Gabriele may be a scapegoat because he would not have access to many of the documents. "It would be as if the Obama's personal babysitter suddenly got access to files at the Pentagon," noted one Vatican insider."

But if not Gabriele, who? Some claim that Cardinals are leaking the documents in an effort to pressure the Vatican Secretary of State, Tarcisio Bertone, into resigning. Apparently, many of the leaked documents came from his office. No one, as yet, has pointed a finger at any specific cardinals.

Wicked, anti-Catholic heretics point to Der Pöpenführer's very very personal secretary and close, constant, but certainly most heterosexual and celibate, companion, the Teutonicly Apollonian Fr. Georg Gänswein. His "influence has grown in the last two years as have the rumours concerning attempts to drive him away from the Pope." The wicked would argue that Fr. Gänswein would have leaked the documents in a misguided attempt to help his Pappa.

Personally, I blame Cardinal George. I'm told by one Jesus' General source that Der Pöpenführer calls him, "that vicious queen who doesn't know Prada from Rubber55."