President, Family Research Council
Dear Mr. Perkins,
Thank you and the rest of the folks at the Family Research Council Political Action Committee for your contribution to Rep. Scott DesJarlais's reelection campaign. As you know, Rep. DesJarlais is a tireless fighter for the rights of our tiniest citizens, the blastocyst-Americans who inhabit the uteri of this great nation.Unfortunately, Brother DesJarlais is in a bit of a spot right now. The Washington Post and others are reporting that he pressured his mistress into having an abortion. Now, I know what you're thinking: "How is that possible; science tells us it's impossible for a mistress to abort a Fetus-American," and you're right, but the libunistofascist media doesn't understand science like we do.
That's why you need to call a press conference to set them straight. Get up there and present the scientific evidence. Tell them that when a woman conceives while engaged in an adulterous relationship, her body naturally secretes chemicals that causes the Fetus-American inside her to feel such shame, it commits ritual suicide.
I know they should know that already, but hey, they are products of the libunistofascist education system. What else could we expect from them?
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
