Developing a McArdle Based School Defense Curriculum

Megan McArdle
Columnunist
The Daily Beast

Dear Mrs. McArdle:

I'm very impressed with your bold solution to the school shooting problem:

I'd also like us to encourage people to gang rush shooters, rather than following their instincts to hide; if we drilled it into young people that the correct thing to do is for everyone to instantly run at the guy with the gun, these sorts of mass shootings would be less deadly, because even a guy with a very powerful weapon can be brought down by 8-12 unarmed bodies piling on him at once.

You nailed it. I've played with six-year-olds. You get a dozen hanging on you, and by God, eventually they'll turn the tables and start sticking you in the ribs you with your own poking stick.

It was experiences like that which prompted me to develop my own elementary school defense curriculum. It's broken up into the following one-hour units that cover every aspect of a school shooting event:

• Fingerpaint Camo: No true patriot enters into battle--or even the Quick-Mart for that matter--without first donning his camo. This unit teaches the art of camouflage using water-soluble fingerpaints.
• Buffy and Sally Make Excellent Shields explains basic ballistic strategy to the kids. Johnny will need at least two other children in front of him to stop a modern assault weapon cartridge like the 5.56mm NATO round from hitting him as he rushes the perp.
• Debra's Clay Box: Named for my old kindergarten schoolmate, Debra Hurd, who once peed in our claybox and then dumped it on the floor, where Mrs Christiansen slipped on it. It's the best way to take a perp down before going in for the kill.
• Polyphemus's Safety Scissors instructs the students on the finer points of using safety scissors to gouge a perp's eyes out.
• Using Your Pencil As an Improvised Shiv teaches students to locate the optimum kill points for shanking a perp with a Ticonderoga No. 2 Pencil. 

As you can see, it a fairly comprehensive curriculum. I'm hoping that you can promote it in your column. I'd be very happy to meet with you to discuss it.

Heterosexually Yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and kids as assault rife fodder kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot