So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

I'm convinced by Brother Osmond, the Osmond Brother's, argument that the world will end, tomorrow. His evidence--there are 5 Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays this month, planets will align with the Giza Pyramids, and the ancient Lamanite Mayans who knew Jesus, personally, said so--is irrefutable.

The prospect of the end coming so soon got me to thinking about what I've done with my life. My list of major accomplishments include: serving the Lord through this blogging ministry; shooting a man in Reno; seeing my Frito pie recipe published in a book; and making love to both Phyllis Schlafly and her pony. What more could a patriot want out of life?

Still there's one thing I haven't done: I haven't had a homosexual experience. Sure, I'm a veteran of many Spartan style wrestling matches and God's cursed me with more than my share of public restroom and locker room little-soldier-in-my-mouth accidents, but they aren't quite what I'd consider to be a genuine homosexual experience. I want that.

And I want to share that experience with someone like me, a warm, but rugged and, perhaps, clumsy patriot, someone like Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX). Unfortunately, he hasn't responded to my tweet inviting him to have a homosexual experience with me. I'm getting a little worried about it, because we need to get it done early, before the world ends, so I can go to Seattle to seek redemption and God's forgiveness from that guy who spanks men for money.

That's where you can help me. Tweet Rep. Gohmert, and plead with him to spend his final few hours on Earth engaging in a variety of homosexual acts with me. And hey, I'll need to give him something, you know, one of those presents you give on a date, something like a cactus or a box of 5.56mm NATO ammunition  so if you have a few extra bucks, please hit the PayPal link above this post.